i'm hungry. are you?

haitus

2009-09-16T14:51:00.002+08:00

good afternoon fellow viewers. many of whom i probably know and would least expect to be constantly hounding this poor domain of its bandwidth.

in view of my current situations most of which are new, i'm afraid i cannot continue to blog as freely anymore. not that i do it as liberally as xia xue (i pen my thoughts in the most reasonable of ways that i avoid any mass discrimination and any influx of critics). that is not the point. the point is - now that i'm back from canada (a beautiful country might i add), ive been bombarded with new assignments that is consequential to what i put publicly on the world wide web. yes, i could always lock this blog. but most of you know thats not how i roll and if anything is to my concern, i'm transparent and have nothing to hide.

these assignments though i've known for a period of 3 days only has taken a toll on my sleep, my heart and my mind. yes it is heavy. no i did not make anybody pregnant. it is work. i've now been handed a roll as an OC post and a PC post. double whammy for those army junkies. some might say it is impossible to be handed such a job for the fact being am an OC to begin with and i ISSUE the rolls of PCs. I'll be an instructor to the 51th batch of OCTs and will continue my reign as a company commander. yes. double ouch.

apart from this, my personal life has been hounded with multiple asteriods of destruction that i find it quite surprising that i'm still holding up well. how long this can go on, i am unsure. the family is falling apart and i might have again lost one more member of a previously 6 membered family to this fight for matrimonial assets. this number has been reduced to 4. i am deeply upset and lost for words. the future which i once thought would seem bright has now turned bleek. i look forward to the remainder of 2009 with constant cold wars with mother bear which i know i do not deserve. i'll be bracing myself. there are more but i think that will be saved when this whole ordeal is over. not that i think it will be over so soon.

audrey. i will not look for sympathy and for your second look. for the many times you have dissappointed me before, you have again managed to conduct a symphony of blades to cut me. i wish you would just make up your own mind and accept any consequences that are held before you. they may be good outcomes and some bad and most of all they are inevitable. by thinking of the bad all the time you withdraw yourself to the end. and though it is good to sometimes look at the long term, which i often did when i was with you. i think its time you look at what you have and appreciate them. live the moment. no one is perfect. but by being in something so dynamic like a relationship, please note, you will get yourself hurt, even if it lasts or not. no one has it all figured out. it is the uncertainty of the future that makes life all worth while living. so take a chance when it comes by you. it may not be with me. but to whoever you go to. i hope you stop that fickle mindset that has hurt me and whoever that has stuck by me all this while. every action has a reaction. hurt one, hurt all.

my plans for further education has also taken a beating. after coming back from the states and canada, seeing all the different universities with my mom. i've been left with uncertainty again which made my life all the more difficult again. i have no idea where i want to go. and for the first time i'm frustrated with the many options i have. i spent the last 2 days overseas being so quiet and reserved, not because it was cold and that ang mohs are 1st class citizens, but because i'm just so dumbfounded with what it is i want to do. i'm so confused. i do want science. but where? i do want to be a doctor. but where? my heart aches because i have no idea where this is leading me. my mom injects hopes into veins which i fear sometimes as well as false because i hate to put in effort in something that doesnt work out in the end. i also have the problem with meeting up with my SATS deadline and actually studying for it when i've been overloaded.

and i guess i could kiss dragon boat goodbye at this end. i will be overloaded with work. and i feel at such a lost because you all know, that's what drives me.

i guess when it boils down to it. there's just too much layed in front of me. and this will probably be my last post till the dust settles. hopefully by ORD when i can relieve myself of my duties and when i finally narrow down my university options.

till then for those who know me. my number is still the same. i've got msn, bbm and sms. i wish all of you the best and we will meet up soon. my heart aches that this wonderful site where i put my writings, has to come to an end. but for confidentialty sake, cause the scumbags from OCT will have a peek at my life, i will have to do so.

the above was a description of what has been happening. i hope to come back again to this place when i am ready to know that life became better and i did have a hard time and i would be better in the future.

fuck that is a long post. i'll edit again for grammatical and vocabulary mistakes.

au voir

2009-09-03T10:10:00.002+08:00

I was on my way, I swear
But I took a wrong turn, there
For I zigged when I should have zagged
It's a somber turn out tonight

i leave later this evening. take care guys.

i needed this break. i wish you all well

If there be a day which would define the worst day of 2009. Today would be it.

2009-09-01T10:14:00.001+08:00

I just broke my specs into pieces. I'm leaving on thursday. Everyone at work is pushing me. I'm running on 3hrs of sleep. I was on night duty last night. I'm plotted for supervisory rounds today. I'm short of 200 dollars to change into canadian currency. I've been feeling this ache in my chest that chokes me sometimes, and I swear it's emotional. And through all these ordeals, no one really gives a fuck.

Sometimes I wish I could stop being the good guy and be a bastard who'd just do things for himself.
Sent via BlackBerry from SingTel!

this is hilarious!

2009-08-31T23:24:00.000+08:00

C H

2009-08-31T17:40:00.002+08:00

~This man is a genius~

Ramadan

2009-08-29T14:45:00.002+08:00

ramadan is an awesome and inspiring affair. i'm not being sarcastic in anyway here, but ever since entering the police academy where majority of my colleagues are muslim, i find it intriguing in so many levels.

the divine devotion and discipline muslims have for this month has taught me so much about the muslim religion and it's dedication to dictate sacrifice.

fasting for 12 hrs and inbetween doing your everyday chores such as training and work. following that 11 bows of prayers. i'm really impressed and at awe at such a sacred act that has been in practice for centuries and that has not been blotted down by the materialistic worldly affairs of our degrading society.

these pictures, i stole from darren's twits, are impressive testimonies to those who practice this sacred and magnificant act.

http://tr.im/xfkl

lauded

2009-08-26T20:50:00.003+08:00

everyone's going away. and all into new adventures. it's times like these i feel i've left so much behind to endevour into something i do not have a particular control over

those going off this month:

mark 'the hulk' liu has left for prague with the rest of national team. wearing the national colours.

bertram is leaving tmr for wesleyan university at connecticut (spellcheck)

ming, my brother representing singapore in world skills in canada.

and all i can do right now is serve out the remaining 9months of my ns and find the courage each day to face up to the autolights going off while i take a crap at my office toilet.

seriously, inspite of all the fun i get from being a coy commander. NS still sucks.

well, i think for the most part, if you're really honest with yourself about what you want out of life, life gives it to you.

grant lee phillips

2009-08-24T01:34:00.000+08:00

this version of boys don't cry is pretty dope

kids

2009-08-22T12:19:00.004+08:00

i lost sight of myself, and i've succumb to too many temptations. loosing direction isn't all my thing and i need to readjust my crosshair to the main directive.

i'm tired most of the time and i'm really looking forward to my 2 weeks leave to canada to spend time with my family.

sorry dearest, i've lost too much to you and for the amount of damage you've done, i think i should take a step back now. everyone knows and constantly reminds me that i deserve better, especially from you. so i'll be walking on my own way. not turning back. and i'll only make a faint turn of my head when you put your hand on my shoulder and jerk it, knowing that an effort had been made. and only when you put all your strength into turning my torso around will i then volunteer to face myself towards you. i won't hope for that to happen, because the street that you're on are filled with wonderful candyfloss and cupcakes on the side that you'd rather take in the bliss temporarily before going on to the next stop till you reach the emporium that you've always wanted.

i've always admired you. my love.

rejuv

2009-08-18T21:16:00.000+08:00

lets go

Hmmm

2009-08-10T21:17:00.001+08:00

If niven is ard it would be called a group outing.

Please rephrase... I can do both.
Sent via BlackBerry from SingTel!

Updated

2009-08-10T21:13:00.001+08:00

Yes it is in my wallet right now, ill return it this week maybe? Jp?
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Nice

2009-08-05T14:15:00.000+08:00

So it works. I'm blogging from the comfort of my own hp. It's amazing what this device can do. Too many things. Twitter, blogger, soccernet, etc. I'm dumbfounded by its limitless capacity to entertain me even on my most busiest of days.

Except for the fact that after thus, singtel will decided to advertise itself. Which is damn gay. Why would I want the world to know I'm using a bb and singtel to do this?
Sent via BlackBerry from SingTel!

2009-08-05T14:09:00.000+08:00

Test
Sent via BlackBerry from SingTel!

litmus

2009-07-25T00:07:00.002+08:00

i count the times i turn
times i thought i could
i still feel it in me
and its not with promising ladies.

work piles, and i'm tired.
playing god is no easy task.
no easy task at all.

monay day

2009-07-12T20:53:00.000+08:00

i have a problem
everytime my pay comes in, i tend to spend 100s within my 1st weekend.
i got myself a bold and blown i dont know how much on miscellaneous that i probably dont even need.

my blackberry is the best investment made for 2009.

trash

2009-07-05T00:23:00.002+08:00

you want to know what's sad?
sad is having to work 24+24+12 = 56hrs non-stop surviving on 4 hrs of sleep each day, maintaining a constant awareness and social responsibility for H1N1 quarantined trainees, working through my weekend and having to come home to an empty house at 12midnight and checking that all my friends have been having fun while i was slugging it. there goes a wasted week.

gawd.

unravel

2009-06-21T02:49:00.002+08:00

coy commander life has been pretty adventurous so far. like any other management job, you deal with stupid people and you're happy with good people. however these few days have taken a slight toll on me. 2 weeks into the job and i was thrown into the pits as my senior takes his leave for competitions - hence i get to cover his duties and his work. i would only complain about the fact that i'm not getting enough well needed rest. other than that, i find myself satisfied with the work i'm tasked to do. all about learning i guess? probably so.

this tireness has definitely brought my mood down, especially this weekend, i feel so out of touch with things - my emotions, my mind. it seems all i cant think about now is what's gonna happen next week. i have this sudden urge to just break away from it all, and just have a nice week long vacation. however, i've built in these mentality whereby if there's no particular important reason to take leave, i shouldnt. this makes me a jobaholic somewhat and i take after my mother.

team USA and Australia are back, and i've been waiting.

electronic is the new black!

goodnight!

1 mark wonder

2009-06-07T22:42:00.004+08:00

PTI course is over, coy commander course is next.

To my surprise, i was awarded best PTI. which really was a fluke if u ask me. i didnt even put in much effort into it.

NS, somehow has been a jolly good thing for me so far. though i cannot compare to my peers from the SAF, i guess making the best of what i have has really got me thinking that it doesnt matter where i am as long as i'm enjoying myself and making the best of the situations.

for one, i was posted to the police academy which wasn't what i really expected considering i bought all the army gears from beach road way before i even recieved my enlistment letter. so receiving the police letter was indeed a dissappointment.

managed to crossover to OCT which was a 3/700 chance. then sword of merit, now best PTI.. i wonder what will come next? i shouldnt even be thinking like that. i'm just gonna do my best whatever is up infront of me and just take it one step at a time.

geez this post is all abt me i forgot to thank all them ppl who have stuck by me all these time as i recieve the awards along the way. yup! thank you all, policemen, firemen, army man, civilians.

MELT DOWN!

2009-05-31T13:21:00.003+08:00

Miranda Kerr
Doutzen Kroes

the hottest girls in the world right now........ i'd like one of each for christmas... maybe.. one this year and another the next...

mosquito

2009-05-23T03:01:00.002+08:00

there's this terrible feeling i get everyday

and i've been containing it for so long, i dont even know why i'm still pondering upon it.

nevertheless, i've got a very good feeling i might scrape past it and carry on.

on the other hand, it seems i have attained alot of things that are undeserved. which makes me question myself - am i really who i think i am?

paris is burning!

2009-05-10T21:23:00.003+08:00

1 more year to go. I'm actually really happy i'm over with training. Time for the real world. And everything's really been a blast so far!

I'll definitely miss the OCTs. I'll definitely miss the times. But lest I forget, there are memories in my mind that stick like lizards on the wall.

MY HEART IS YEARNING, PARIS IS BURNING! PARIS IS BURNING ALL NIGHT LONG!

Everybody wants to rule the world

2009-05-03T18:04:00.003+08:00

Its my own design

Its my own remorse

Help me to decide

Help me make the most

Of freedom and of pleasure

Nothing ever lasts forever

Everybody wants to rule the world

I've made mistakes in life, some of which i'd like to take back. But of most, i've learnt much from and made myself better from it, or proved that some events were well deserved.

Nevetheless, a mix of happiness and sorrow has boiled down sullenly on the coming days. OCT is coming to an end. And indeed it had been a road to remember. Thank you all, cause without you, i'd probably wouldnt even get through. Lets not even begin with the award. Thanks friends, Thanks Camp Mates. I owe the sword to you guys.

By friends, i meant those not even in camp. cause you guys pushed me too.

7th of May, 501 Chua Chu Kang Road, Home Team Academy, 4pm. INCEPEKTOR MASOK BARIS

superstylin'

2009-04-18T13:46:00.003+08:00

Enter in the dance, Plug it in and we begin

Crowd up in the center, They watch, Bede be dim

Watch the way we drop it, in a mix time it

Rise and amplifyin' when we come in with the swing

Momma i'm home. With my hands cluttered with sandfly bites and a really dark tan on my face. I have commitments to fulfill. I will proceed.

Power Hour... Don't mess.

you got to shake it to the 1, you got to shake it to the 2

2009-03-31T20:28:00.002+08:00

in about 12 hours time, ill be on my way to the affiliate island of ubin where i will spend 16 days of my life under the hot sun or chilling with the rain.

i'll doing my best there so i might not come home alive.

i'm sick now. so that doesn't help either.

iylia can have my hard disk.

so long people. i need to sleep.

too much

2009-03-28T11:22:00.001+08:00

2 guys, 4 night spots, too many drinks.

ONE SUPERMASSIVE HANGOVER

and i am spent

marvellous

2009-03-20T21:05:00.002+08:00

i came home from a awesome week at camp to find out wtf the story was

the future seems bleek
and i obviously would like to cut heads.

now wtf...........................................

marvel

2009-03-17T10:52:00.003+08:00

somehow, i need to walkaway and convince myself you are nothing. and i am something. wait a minute. there's no need for convincing. i know i'm worth something more than what i really think

yay

2009-03-08T18:28:00.003+08:00

Don’t stop me now I’m having such a good time

I’m having a ball don’t stop me now

If you wanna have a good time just give me a call

Don’t stop me now (’Cause I’m having a good time)

Don’t stop me now (Yes I’m having a good time)

I don’t want to stop at all

I’m a rocket ship on my way to Mars

On a collision course

I am a satellite I’m out of control

I am a sex machine ready to reload

Like an atom bomb about to

Oh oh oh oh oh explode

I’m burning through the skies Yeah!

Two hundred degrees

That’s why they call me Mister Fahrenheit

I’m trav’ling at the speed of light

I wanna make a supersonic man out of you

jonnayy.. u fux up

2009-03-08T03:55:00.002+08:00

i've been having too good a time being busy and just being busy. it's amazing how much shit i have been doing that i stun myself.

too much fun... i got to start bucking up for cpc.

ive applied for melb u and monash already.

and i need sleep..

for nuttttiiinggg

2009-02-24T17:57:00.001+08:00

in the midst of a hardcore, super jam, awesome line up of champion league matches... i've got to protect the streets of bukit fucking timahhhhhhh

but... i get to catch banglahs... hehehehehehe

locomotion

2009-02-24T00:28:00.002+08:00

go away!!!!

groovitude

2009-02-23T00:37:00.002+08:00

curse of comfort.

i think i need to chill my brain down a degree and let my mind care of nothing except... where the fuck's my money all gone to!?

stop behind the yellow line

2009-02-22T18:18:00.000+08:00

it dont get anymore hilarious than that

elegancia

2009-02-19T23:54:00.003+08:00

how odd things work its way round. time and time again, you've skewed yourself through your heart. and though you cannot judge a book by its cover, i'm pleased to know i've read you way too well. the reviews are raving and the critics have much to say. and like a stone you are, ignorance has become your own bliss - stubborness your archilles heel.

as humane as i would like to be, i'd prefer not. your downfall is for my enjoyment. your crooked ways are my amuse.

i'll take advantage of the situation now, and not be apologetic, till your second coming arrives - which will defer for as long as you continue to write your life the way you are right now.

-

sidenote: PSA Sea Sports 10 men Champion!! heh! but no photos...

farking tired and mambo aint really all that fun anymore. what happened to the nice musik!??

msn wooss

2009-02-17T21:58:00.002+08:00

my msn has this uncanny ability to send out msgs to almost everyone on my contact list when i just want 1 of it to go out.

i suspect it's due to my aging computer that has grown senile. i'm apologetic to those who managed to read my vulgar postings to mark.

oops. 21 again

2009-02-15T23:19:00.003+08:00

i forgot the best picture of em all.

Family

the greatest

2009-02-15T22:50:00.004+08:00

i'm so happy i could cry. all went well for my birthday. minor hiccups though - as the wish gets trashed again. but that didnt stop the party.

i had the greatest time no doubt. it was soooo good, that when everyone left.. i became so sad.. i dont see that as a bad thing.. i actually think, because i had so much fun, once it was gone.. it was so significant that it wasnt there anymore.

here's some photos. i'm working on something to post up all of em soon. my sekret project.

thanks you all for coming. i hope u guys had a good time, though i couldnt entertain u all much. i bet u guys had a ball of a time munching down some top grade food.

delicious bunch
lifescience

dragonboat

OCT

Dragon Boat

Ze Bitch from QSS

To all those who did not come

AirForce Command

SSC

great friends

There's so many pictures from everywhere, unfortunately, i cant upload them all else blogger will ban me.

thank you all once again! 21 didnt feel so good

=)

2009-02-12T23:14:00.000+08:00

i'm turning 21 in 48 mins time,
and i'm burning night doing paper work......

You've got to find what you love

2009-02-08T16:09:00.001+08:00

I am honored to be with you today at your commencement from one of the finest universities in the world. I never graduated from college. Truth be told, this is the closest I've ever gotten to a college graduation. Today I want to tell you three stories from my life. That's it. No big deal. Just three stories.

The first story is about connecting the dots.

I dropped out of Reed College after the first 6 months, but then stayed around as a drop-in for another 18 months or so before I really quit. So why did I drop out?

It started before I was born. My biological mother was a young, unwed college graduate student, and she decided to put me up for adoption. She felt very strongly that I should be adopted by college graduates, so everything was all set for me to be adopted at birth by a lawyer and his wife. Except that when I popped out they decided at the last minute that they really wanted a girl. So my parents, who were on a waiting list, got a call in the middle of the night asking: "We have an unexpected baby boy; do you want him?" They said: "Of course." My biological mother later found out that my mother had never graduated from college and that my father had never graduated from high school. She refused to sign the final adoption papers. She only relented a few months later when my parents promised that I would someday go to college.

And 17 years later I did go to college. But I naively chose a college that was almost as expensive as Stanford, and all of my working-class parents' savings were being spent on my college tuition. After six months, I couldn't see the value in it. I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life and no idea how college was going to help me figure it out. And here I was spending all of the money my parents had saved their entire life. So I decided to drop out and trust that it would all work out OK. It was pretty scary at the time, but looking back it was one of the best decisions I ever made. The minute I dropped out I could stop taking the required classes that didn't interest me, and begin dropping in on the ones that looked interesting.

It wasn't all romantic. I didn't have a dorm room, so I slept on the floor in friends' rooms, I returned coke bottles for the 5¢ deposits to buy food with, and I would walk the 7 miles across town every Sunday night to get one good meal a week at the Hare Krishna temple. I loved it. And much of what I stumbled into by following my curiosity and intuition turned out to be priceless later on. Let me give you one example:

Reed College at that time offered perhaps the best calligraphy instruction in the country. Throughout the campus every poster, every label on every drawer, was beautifully hand calligraphed. Because I had dropped out and didn't have to take the normal classes, I decided to take a calligraphy class to learn how to do this. I learned about serif and san serif typefaces, about varying the amount of space between different letter combinations, about what makes great typography great. It was beautiful, historical, artistically subtle in a way that science can't capture, and I found it fascinating.

None of this had even a hope of any practical application in my life. But ten years later, when we were designing the first Macintosh computer, it all came back to me. And we designed it all into the Mac. It was the first computer with beautiful typography. If I had never dropped in on that single course in college, the Mac would have never had multiple typefaces or proportionally spaced fonts. And since Windows just copied the Mac, its likely that no personal computer would have them. If I had never dropped out, I would have never dropped in on this calligraphy class, and personal computers might not have the wonderful typography that they do. Of course it was impossible to connect the dots looking forward when I was in college. But it was very, very clear looking backwards ten years later.

Again, you can't connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something — your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life.

My second story is about love and loss.

I was lucky — I found what I loved to do early in life. Woz and I started Apple in my parents garage when I was 20. We worked hard, and in 10 years Apple had grown from just the two of us in a garage into a $2 billion company with over 4000 employees. We had just released our finest creation — the Macintosh — a year earlier, and I had just turned 30. And then I got fired. How can you get fired from a company you started? Well, as Apple grew we hired someone who I thought was very talented to run the company with me, and for the first year or so things went well. But then our visions of the future began to diverge and eventually we had a falling out. When we did, our Board of Directors sided with him. So at 30 I was out. And very publicly out. What had been the focus of my entire adult life was gone, and it was devastating.

I really didn't know what to do for a few months. I felt that I had let the previous generation of entrepreneurs down - that I had dropped the baton as it was being passed to me. I met with David Packard and Bob Noyce and tried to apologize for screwing up so badly. I was a very public failure, and I even thought about running away from the valley. But something slowly began to dawn on me — I still loved what I did. The turn of events at Apple had not changed that one bit. I had been rejected, but I was still in love. And so I decided to start over.

I didn't see it then, but it turned out that getting fired from Apple was the best thing that could have ever happened to me. The heaviness of being successful was replaced by the lightness of being a beginner again, less sure about everything. It freed me to enter one of the most creative periods of my life.

During the next five years, I started a company named NeXT, another company named Pixar, and fell in love with an amazing woman who would become my wife. Pixar went on to create the worlds first computer animated feature film, Toy Story, and is now the most successful animation studio in the world. In a remarkable turn of events, Apple bought NeXT, I returned to Apple, and the technology we developed at NeXT is at the heart of Apple's current renaissance. And Laurene and I have a wonderful family together.

I'm pretty sure none of this would have happened if I hadn't been fired from Apple. It was awful tasting medicine, but I guess the patient needed it. Sometimes life hits you in the head with a brick. Don't lose faith. I'm convinced that the only thing that kept me going was that I loved what I did. You've got to find what you love. And that is as true for your work as it is for your lovers. Your work is going to fill a large part of your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. And the only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven't found it yet, keep looking. Don't settle. As with all matters of the heart, you'll know when you find it. And, like any great relationship, it just gets better and better as the years roll on. So keep looking until you find it. Don't settle.

My third story is about death.

When I was 17, I read a quote that went something like: "If you live each day as if it was your last, someday you'll most certainly be right." It made an impression on me, and since then, for the past 33 years, I have looked in the mirror every morning and asked myself: "If today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do today?" And whenever the answer has been "No" for too many days in a row, I know I need to change something.

Remembering that I'll be dead soon is the most important tool I've ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything — all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure - these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.

About a year ago I was diagnosed with cancer. I had a scan at 7:30 in the morning, and it clearly showed a tumor on my pancreas. I didn't even know what a pancreas was. The doctors told me this was almost certainly a type of cancer that is incurable, and that I should expect to live no longer than three to six months. My doctor advised me to go home and get my affairs in order, which is doctor's code for prepare to die. It means to try to tell your kids everything you thought you'd have the next 10 years to tell them in just a few months. It means to make sure everything is buttoned up so that it will be as easy as possible for your family. It means to say your goodbyes.

I lived with that diagnosis all day. Later that evening I had a biopsy, where they stuck an endoscope down my throat, through my stomach and into my intestines, put a needle into my pancreas and got a few cells from the tumor. I was sedated, but my wife, who was there, told me that when they viewed the cells under a microscope the doctors started crying because it turned out to be a very rare form of pancreatic cancer that is curable with surgery. I had the surgery and I'm fine now.

This was the closest I've been to facing death, and I hope its the closest I get for a few more decades. Having lived through it, I can now say this to you with a bit more certainty than when death was a useful but purely intellectual concept:

No one wants to die. Even people who want to go to heaven don't want to die to get there. And yet death is the destination we all share. No one has ever escaped it. And that is as it should be, because Death is very likely the single best invention of Life. It is Life's change agent. It clears out the old to make way for the new. Right now the new is you, but someday not too long from now, you will gradually become the old and be cleared away. Sorry to be so dramatic, but it is quite true.

Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma — which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.

When I was young, there was an amazing publication called The Whole Earth Catalog, which was one of the bibles of my generation. It was created by a fellow named Stewart Brand not far from here in Menlo Park, and he brought it to life with his poetic touch. This was in the late 1960's, before personal computers and desktop publishing, so it was all made with typewriters, scissors, and polaroid cameras. It was sort of like Google in paperback form, 35 years before Google came along: it was idealistic, and overflowing with neat tools and great notions.

Stewart and his team put out several issues of The Whole Earth Catalog, and then when it had run its course, they put out a final issue. It was the mid-1970s, and I was your age. On the back cover of their final issue was a photograph of an early morning country road, the kind you might find yourself hitchhiking on if you were so adventurous. Beneath it were the words: "Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish." It was their farewell message as they signed off. Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish. And I have always wished that for myself. And now, as you graduate to begin anew, I wish that for you.

Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish.

Thank you all very much.

This is the text of the Commencement address by Steve Jobs, CEO of Apple Computer and of Pixar Animation Studios, delivered on June 12, 2005.

joyyyyyyyyrrriiiidddeeeeeeeeeee

2009-02-07T03:10:00.002+08:00

When your chips are down

When your highs are low

Joyride

Move across the night

Like a separate wind

Joyride

This is a damn happening song!

BRILLIANT. SIMPLY BRILLIANT!

home

2009-02-03T16:12:00.004+08:00

it would have been a little convenient if i actually had the discipline i had before to compartmentalise and throw thoughts away.

nothing beats having to look at 1 miscalculation and 1 speeding ticket.

i recieved a $200 gift from the government. now i have to give it back.
give me for fuck!?

myopic superspii

2009-02-02T01:12:00.004+08:00

i spii, wit mii iiy..

i got myself hit with a supermassive supersonic masadonic maniac of a headache today. i couldnt even sleep without being hit on the head with a 'tension headache' according to the doctor.

nevertheless, other than being tired all week, i've managed to complete a few tasks. of which, 2 that i recommend you all reading/watching.

read:

an unconventional love story. very original. indeed a super book.

watch:

sadistically hilarious. morally outrageous.

time is of an essense that only a nsman will find so important. i need to find time.

on a lame ass note, auntie mui ling made a comment on her family: uncle boon hock and shupin are both born in the year of the ox. so technically, their family must cow bei cow bu quite frequently. which is quite true in a way.

lesson learnt

2009-01-29T16:03:00.003+08:00

coming to the end of january, i've come to realize much about life again. (AWW! JON! SO PHILOSOPHICAL! FUCK U! LOL!) well merely. the past few events have opened my eyes to a deeper truth that i failed to realize before, but thank god it's open now - like moral of a story from a deep ass movie you'd watch maybe twice a year.

might i say, i made things really complicated for me. most of which was really not needed. it's a craft of my own doings. had i really thought hard about what was in front of me and not just crave power or attention in an indirect way, such meltdowns would not be necessary.

right now, as much of a control on my life i trying to grip on, i feel a certain sense of nostalgia which a urge to purge right now.

social night is over, and i'll post up the photos as soon as i get them.

my priorities are somewhat set for the year.. i've thought this over and over, and i've decided to row my heart out again. here comes the sun and the aches. however there's this blockade in front of me that i hope that would be cleared after tomorrow.

i've been feeling lousy lately, and it's probably because of the field pack pts and gym sessions i've been having these past few days. i've seriously become somewhat unfit, and i want to get it back up.

as unrealistic as it is, i've been daydreaming of picking up a water sport - maybe canoeing or sculling, and working really hard and maybe make an olympic gold. however such thoughts are really far fetched. that would mean i have to give up char kuay tiao and alot of nice food.

somehow getting ns over and done with and actually going overseas seems like the most savourest choice right now. i feel that doing so, would allow me to restart my life all over again. put on new set of priorties, that do not need and repercussions of my past to keep up with me.

my birthday is the next event i'm holding. attendence seems strong, however i hope they keep to their word. i'm gonna be calling you all soon to confirm.

how does being a doctor cum property developer sound like?

ac/dc

2009-01-22T23:10:00.002+08:00

i've been trying constantly these few months to keep a positive out look on how i've been. however as expected, certain circumstances forces one to be out of line where his vision is. life isnt perfect - we all would have probably figured that one out already.

i've understood all so suddenly the impact of racisism. for it has dawned upon me, i am very much of a racists. i've realized i do not click well with this certain race, of which i will not state due to the political nature of singapore.

i have encountered a number of times with such a situation. and i feel this unrequired urge to eradicate them. however i refuse to do so because i might get jailed.

anyway, i'm hardly such an angry fella now, though, there's this need to get this out before i do something mad. released i am.

kiwi

2009-01-20T23:26:00.002+08:00

i'm pretty glad that kaka didnt move to man city today. ironic that he's a hundred miles away and i feel so much for such an insane move that costs an insane amount of money. i guess that's the spirit of soccer.

htbc is coming to a close, and enjoying the company of iylia and ariel in the same lecture hall and over meals must be one that i'd be damn thankful for. i thought entering into police would be a dull affair because most of my peers would probably be working together, sharing the same sentiments, in the SAF. but now i take that back i feel a certain sense of cohesion amongst my home team counterparts.

lights out was 15 mins ago, and i should get to bed, it's late, and i'm fatigued already.

i am however happy about how things are working out.

things to do:
-sort out social night
-sort out credit cards
-sort out birthday celebrations
-sort out priorities

4 things to do. very managable...
oh wait.
-sort out procrastination

SPECIAL! THE WAY YOU ROCKET THROUGH ME AHH!!!!

2009-01-19T00:27:00.003+08:00

being sick sucks but i still love the weekends.

i'm gonna be passing out in 4 months, and i already can't wait. it's about bloody time, and my birthday is abt in a month's time. plans are going smoothly and i'm excited like candy to a child.

i'm tired as hell right now, but i can't help smiling about how happy i am... i think ate too much sweets...

for the soul

2009-01-14T22:53:00.003+08:00

so, i checked my attendance for my birthday, and it seems pretty healthy now, i'll post out more invitations when i remember who i've forgotten this weekend.

however, i am particularly upset that after 4 days of the event's posting's, i've finally recieved 1 'NOT ATTENDING'. i have called that person, and i am particularly dissappointed, having been promised that she would attend.

so this note is to that person's boyfriend - 'fuck you, cause you'd probably need some counselling'
note to that person - 'please consider'

anyhow htbc has been fucking awesome, except that i was down the flu.

sickness

2009-01-12T22:00:00.003+08:00

i've come down with the flue bug on the first day of htbc, which really is very untimely, for the fact there is no pt for the next 2 weeks and that i had to spend my time suffering my the confinements of my barrack.

i was cold as beer but i knew my temperature was well above the normal range and my head kept spinning round like a record player baby round round.

nevetheless, my buddy was really nice bringing my my dinner which i found to be rather bad especially when you're sick, and also polly for being the sweetest.

invitations to my birthday has been sent out via facebook, please look upon it and rsvp, i need the no.s soon. for those who dont have me as your friend - wtf are u waiting for?!

hail the king of the set!

2009-01-10T11:37:00.001+08:00

this man right here gave me an orgasm.

makes me wonder why couldnt i be born dutch

level up!

2009-01-09T14:28:00.002+08:00

the good gracious corporation of the force decided to give me back my 2 bars as a mark of my seniority in the lovely location of home team academy. the fact that i've out stayed my expected due in this place, i suppose i should get 3 instead. but nevetheless, it's been great so far and and i am enjoying it alot.

next week would be HTBC with iylia which is gonna be double the fun cause that means ariel, iylia and i would unite to become as one against our peers. heh

armin van buuren tonight... the gawd has arrived.

towels

2008-12-31T00:52:00.003+08:00

it's new years eve and i'm in my pitch dark bunk posting.

this is actually outrageous if you ask me. its lights out, i have to get up at 5.30am and i probably have a long day ahead.

i dont know what got into me, but i'm feeling energetic as hell.

i've tried every possible way of tiring myself. come to think of it. ive almost exhausted all avenues to sleep.

i've taken my magnesium pills, read through at least 50 pages of my story book, studied my general laws and now i'm stuck here.

maybe i should start listing my resolutions down. hmm..

happy new year guys! 2009 seems grim for the economy, but i'm sure we'll get by alive =)

Hurrah!

2008-12-27T14:23:00.002+08:00

Christmas eve was spent at my place with the high volume of fantastic food lined up. Lasagna was taken like sweets and the crowd was just right! I hope you guys enjoyed yourselves. Above are some of the little moments that we enjoyed together and there are more on facebook, please proceed. Wine and beer, Turkey and Wii - what's there not to love about Christmas.The downside? I booked into camp on boxing day to sleep. Gh3yn355. But nevermind, it's the 27th and i'm still feeling great. Welcome the New Year. And yes, that means i'd have 1 yr and 2 months left till i ORD.

Well merry Christmas all, and indeed it's been a wonderful year of ups and downs, but let us not look back on the recession and bad happenings, but lets get our groove together to work really hard and play really hard. I've enjoyed 2008 for it has taught me much and even more because I had all of you guys by myside as it passes!

HURRAH!

i'm a butter head

2008-12-20T04:10:00.002+08:00

this video is hilarious maxima...
gave girly man a run for its money.
a little long, but hilarious. watch the full length.
i'd like to be a ninja or a butter head.

tag-ding-dong

2008-12-14T04:03:00.001+08:00

i think the tagging function on facebook is really cool.

maybe i'll tag u!

glo glo glo

2008-12-08T15:49:00.004+08:00

partay... apart from getting everything free during my financially strained situation (i will be paying everything back in full).. everything was almost as perfect. melbourne kids welcome back! everything's been sweet and i hope next week would be even better. december is here and my christmas tree has been up for 3 months already. welcome long weekends and great company!

there's a death in the family, sad that archie has gone. poor fat cat. as cute as he was, he was definitely a joy. now he's going into cat heaven where tunas will be like surround sound and he'll find a nice heaven female fat cat to share his joy with. rest in infinite peace fatty cat! we'll miss your flurishingly coat of fur and big big tummy.

i'd like to slap someone. words are valued at zero, actions are forever. though, it'd mean i'd have to put in effort, but that ain't worth it either.

hail to the aokis who have genetically mastered the art of beautiful people and wonder charisma! hail the age of the asians... i'm gonna have a building named after me!

kimwipes

2008-12-06T12:46:00.002+08:00

on a certain day, i forgot which day - i held myself up into deep thought. and i did think:

don't call chastise me for being boastful or whatever, it's more of a thought which i feel there is need for you guys to comment.

i was thinking about how much an impact i would have been on everyone's lives. i may not have been the most prefect person, in fact sometimes i find myself quite mean. however, since my primary school life till now, i realize i have made myself great friends throughout the way. i think of every social circle i have been in, and i realize i still have these people closeby. yes there were some fall outs here and there, but i always find myself speaking to them again. and i dont mean hi-bye kinda shit. i find that i still share a common interest and we'd still meet up at least once in 2 months just to play catch up and find out about how much we've come so far, and what's been up with our lives. even in the most retarded period of my life - secondary school, i still have a few of them who are still behind me. it's amazing how networking starts.

though. there are a certain few and i mean very little. like i could count with my 5 fingers who i feel the desperate need to purge out my system. these are the few who really do not deserve respect - for what is respect if you can't respect yourselves.

nevetheless i owe those close by a good tight handshake and toast of fine wine. to all the years of good joy. let us all meet up soon.

btw. i've been making arrangements for my 21st already. and all of those invited - i'd like it if you guys come.. keep your 13th and 14th of feb free.

this is one awesome video

2008-11-29T19:49:00.001+08:00

keblakan pu seng

2008-11-23T15:19:00.004+08:00

coming into cadet-hood aint all that bad after all.. though studying like i am for my O-levels isn't quite my cup of tea when you are studying law. i'm sick of these ruthless procedures that i have mechanically memorize to have a chance of getting a sword free of charge. but it kinda all pays off when i'm bringing home a good sum of 'allowance' of which is normally reduced to a measly sum after 2 weeks because of my colossal appetite for mc spicy gaja. of which the score stands at mcspicy gaja 1, jon 0. i'm having a hard time getting over the fact i was beaten by a double patty of spice chicken.

i'm truely appreciating my weekends, with this somewhat special uncanny ability to extend my threshold when it comes upon me. knocking out at 11pm in my 2 man bunk is a norm while knocking out at 3am would be considered pretty early when my weekend arrives. nevertheless, my past 3 weekends have been absurbly enjoyable if only the weather weren't so erratic and my clothes weren't so thick.

i leave you guys with a bunch of pictures, some of which, yours truely, was taken with my new toy. (no sorry the fisheye ain't mine - but it is a really cool picture).

aaron ariel wilson's birthday

flame on

Regatta 2008

Karoke - $15

ymca?

jay chou

mr mark heng is back. so poker nights will be extended.

gawd the weather sucks.

'We live in a time when no one wants to remember. We pretend we are where it starts. Look at the way we live - we build houses on cliffs, on fault lines, in the path of things, and when something happens, we don't learn history, we build it right again, right on the same spot, bigger, better.' Nic pours. 'Fallout accumulates. What we've got now is a blend of fact and fiction that we're all agreeing to call reality.' - A.M Homes

congrats obama

2008-11-09T15:03:00.002+08:00

This is our time — to put our people back to work and open doors of opportunity for our kids; to restore prosperity and promote the cause of peace; to reclaim the American dream and reaffirm that fundamental truth, that, out of many, we are one; that while we breathe, we hope. And where we are met with cynicism and doubts and those who tell us that we can't, we will respond with that timeless creed that sums up the spirit of a people: Yes, we can! ~ Barack Obama

now... i kinda need the recession to stop. i dont want to sign on

Maybach Exelero

2008-11-09T14:05:00.000+08:00

this gonna be mine!

mechanical bull

2008-11-08T07:26:00.002+08:00

yesterday evening, i challenged a mechanical bull. unfortunately i do not have any pictures to prove it. rather i was with the OCTs doing some unofficial 'duties' and it was there. the fella controlling it, was messing around with it - making it hard for me to actually sit on the posessed machine.. so i grabbed hold of it so that it wouldnt move. had i added anymore pressure, i'd probably pull it out of it's gear, into the cushioned surroundings. anyhow, i guess my resistence were futile, and when i eventually got on it and held on for dear life for about 8 seconds, i got thrown off the damned satanic creature and i swear i would have flown off the cushion perimeter into the muddy ground, which wouldn't make much of a difference, cause the 'action causing reaction' almost pulled out my arm off its sockets. but it's ok.. i'm still alive. while the other OCTs who tried went on for many more tries, i had to retire after my first to nurse my used shoulder.

OCTs' been an experience so far. sleeping with only one person compared to 9 is gonna take a little while to get used to, but i've got a cool roomie so i wont complain. back in the delta days, where bunk 12 ruled - yeah that was the life.

i've got loads to do today. i was suppose to head for training, but i felt a little too burnt out from the week. i guess i underestimated my body. so i'm just gonna get my stuff for camp and head home to rest and continue to nurse my broken body, while i bake them mash potatoes and lasagna for them birthday boys at aaron's place.

speaking of which, happy birthday aaron, ariel and wilson.

the mech bull pulled

almost

took my arm

ice cream

2008-11-02T21:07:00.001+08:00

If i won, he'd take me out for ice cream.
(and if you lost?)
He'd still take me out for ice cream.

That's hot right there!

Don't Count!

2008-10-31T03:25:00.001+08:00

thumbs up. no doubt.

crazy hand

2008-10-30T14:57:00.002+08:00

this doesnt take much explaining. but if u can enlarge this pic. you'd understand why this would be called a crazy hand.

this game is omaha-poker. slightly different from texas. u get dealt 4 cards, but u can only use 2.

the 4 cards against my wonderful castle of chips are my cards.

the 5 other cards are that after the flop.

i love poker.

armageddon

2008-10-30T11:04:00.003+08:00

would shear determination bring forth all glory?

i was watching this epic film last night. though i knew it was gonna be aired on public tv - but the heck, i probably would be around to watch it anyway. i somehow found myself moved by the grit, desperation, love and determination of mankind.

kudos to the film for it has moved my heart
and may we all have faith in time to come.

vantaggio

clockwork

2008-10-27T14:17:00.005+08:00

i take to heart the few past few months with much mixed emotions, almost likely to be dramatic for i have achieved much and lost some. but no one can take away the fact that i still survived and put in my outmost best in what i do. looking at the nature of most people in the common world, i know for sure, i'm as good as some, better than the rest.

no one can take that away.

and you werent there to stand by me
but it's ok

Thanks for everything!

POP - O!!!!!!

2008-10-23T21:48:00.001+08:00

=)))))))))))))))))))))

on a side note.. i dont know why my previous post the fonts turned out invisible!

at 1450, somebody long my chia!

2008-10-19T17:59:00.002+08:00

This van
This car

Mr indian long my chia. and i'm not very pleased.

remember remember

2008-10-19T12:21:00.002+08:00

holly shit i dont even know where these photos were from. but they are pretty funy.

up check bang

2008-10-05T14:34:00.003+08:00

there should be more where that came from.. but hell with that.. this uploader is retarded.

police basic training is almost over, and now rather than sit back relax and wait for pop, we have to do a little way too much drill for my liking. memeri-homat, samasa berjalan, kehadapan ho mat!

interesting nuff'

2008-09-13T00:45:00.002+08:00

as we walk through the shadows of delta coy,
i can only remember how retarded my bunk is.
how we can come together at night,
eat our cup noodles.
and talk about the new intakes of budhas.
aside from budhas,
i'd really have to thank them for their intellectually idiocratic remarks.
gawd camp is fun...
however i'd like to suggest more pt though.
we're getting quite restless sc hassan!

no need

2008-09-07T09:56:00.001+08:00

i guess there's actually not a need for such rants after last night.
but hey 5 weeks.

2008-08-31T20:19:00.001+08:00

oh btw thanks charissa!

life of pi (pee)

2008-08-31T17:46:00.002+08:00

book in book in fuck book in.

anyway, i bought a lamp. sorry a 2 in 1 lamp. a torch light + lamp!

FANNNN TTASS TTIICCAAAAA

DORINDA IS QUITE BORING!
iron piller of strength has become clay instead.
but thanks for juno.

well on serious note. i have got nothing to post cause i got to get some food.

randomness is love.n,

laserpointer pee pee gun

2008-08-31T01:52:00.002+08:00

'OFFICER WATCH YOUR FRONT'

'YOU WALK, I WALK, WHO RUN!?'

'YOU WANT TO BE CONFINED?'

'FUCK LA! WAKE UP YOUR IDEA CAN?'

some of these various quotes from the 'chalet'.

but who cares!? imma marksmen

Comforting Sounds

2008-08-24T13:53:00.001+08:00

I don't feel alright
In spite of these comforting sounds you make
I don't feel alright
Because you make promises that you break

Into your house
Why don't we share
Our solitude?

Nothing is pure
Anymore
But solitude

It's hard to make sense
Feels as if I'm sensing you through a lens
If someone else comes
I'll just sit here listening to the drums

Previously
I never called
It solitude

And probably you know
All the dirty shows I've put on
Blunted and exhausted like anyone
Honestly I tried to avoid it
Honestly

Back when we were kids,
We would always know when to stop
And now all the good kids are messing up
Nobody has gained or accomplished anything.

-

honestly, i hope it burns and dies.

lag

2008-05-20T23:37:00.006+08:00

i know i've not been blogging much. that's because not much people read this sort of trash except those who are heavily active in my life.

so what better way to update this log of web space with photographs.

me and berto (my better half of the same gender babae)

Panda. i've got loads of nice pictures of em
but I wanna be selfish and not put them all on.

GANGBANG in HK

I love you.

Since i have an unglam photo.

You also will have an unglam photo

hong kong

2008-04-19T19:50:00.002+08:00

ok ok, to put me out of my misery, i'd like to say something happy.
just recently, in the span of 6 days and 5 nights from the dates 9 april-14th april. 9 criminals from singapore, set off to the land of hong kong. to find freedom. and of course sex. well not really.

in doing so. we had the best time watching rocky on tv. and especially the discovery channel. i myself, had the pleasure of seeing cecilia cheung, in her most unglam state, of being drugged out at club beijing, as if that didnt stop me, i wonder how'd edison felt for a night. but then again, when i realized i had 2 other monkeys in my room that night, i decided i would pass. but it doesnt stop there. walking around the streets of hongkong, i must say the ban of smoking on public pathments and areas is somewhat a a ball with edges. i do not see the reason of selling cigrettes so cheaply and yet have every other place smoke free. except for the clubs though, which after july 2007 in sg, i was able to smoke and drink and oogle at the same time in that dimmed location.

however, like how them hongkong ads on tv go. there's stuff to eat and buy, eat and buy, eat and buy. yes we've gone there and made our mark. no restuarant's fei cha was safe. no mongkok auntie was spared. we went there to eat our hearts out, and slash them overpriced fake goods off the shelves. we came back victorious. with that, i am proud to say, we have successfully gone to hong kong with a half empty bag, and come back with 2. as wells as coming home with the airplane have trouble to cope with our weights.

thank you hong kong. thank you criminals.

ps. i didnt mean to snore

i'm not making any deals

2008-04-18T23:38:00.002+08:00

despite my plight to stay determined to post something happy.

i feel this strong urge to say that there's so much empty promises.

i've tried my best in school to get myself graduating with a decent GPA.
i've excelled in my CCA in school which has opened so many doors for me.
and inspite of my determination to get the things i want,
i'm so sad to say that sometimes, mom, you don't really care. i doubt you even know my graduating GPA. i doubt you know what i've won. i doubt you know where i stand.

and if my mom can't even see where i am, or what i can become.
i'm so sick and tired of trying so hard to come home to boast about things to you. only to know that you only forget it the next day. throw my 2nd places aside.

and the worse part. you'd say you'd do so many things. but yet i dont see anything developing. so much for hitting back at me that if i work hard for something, i will get it.

you sleep well.

2008-04-05T03:05:00.003+08:00

you're right beside me now, sound asleep as usual.
you lift up your hand occasionally in your unconsciousness to scratch your face.
you keep turning and tossing all over the bed in the hope of finding the sweet spot for you to sleep soundly.
your hair's a mess but you still looking adorable to me.
and even if i had a bad day, just having you by my side, is worth the wait.

b. i love u

fuck u all

2008-03-24T23:52:00.001+08:00

fuck u all for crucifying me without me knowing the nails are going through my palms.

shattered galaxy

2008-03-17T14:27:00.002+08:00

my pertetual string of misfortune in every walks of life has left me with depressing offerings that everyone is doing well and happy.
i cant help the way i feel especially when nothing really goes my way and that there is always someone better than me or have to show it off to me just rub some salt into my wounds. it seems i'm not going to be happy go lucky that i normally should and i have a feeling it's going to damage some relationships out there. whatever it is, the future seems pretty bleek a few more years down the road and i wonder where all my friends have gone to.
what i do hope however is that a raging driver maybe outside holland v could run me over so that i could be in a coma for a week or 2 so that i do not have to worry about myself or other people. as selfish as it is - i wonder why i always make people around me happy, forfeting my own happiness that i've forgetten how to attain. this year so far has been completely shattered. and i often find myself alone crying.

i've got a problem. it's personal

2008-03-14T01:36:00.001+08:00

and i cant do some things

not

2008-03-08T00:15:00.002+08:00

i'm not the smartest kid out there
and i definitely know i'm not the luckiest.
i'm not rich enough to afford the world
and i definitely know i don't like brands that i see in the front of hotels.
i'm not the most good looking of sons
and i definitely know i dont pay much attention to my appearance.

i'm so sorry if i've been a lousy person,
but it doesnt help if you all push me down.
if encouragement is so hard to come by because of an ego,
then i guess i'm better off by myself.
i'm not everything you want, or need,
but i'm definitely still human.

i can't smile without YOU!!

2008-02-19T07:20:00.002+08:00

it's 720am now. and yes it's pretty early to be awake, especially blogging. but i have a confession to make. i didnt sleep. i woke up at 130 the day before, and went home to seek comfort of my own bed again till evening, and that's because i was feeling really grouchy. i've been bumping ard for 2 days now, and not been hitting the metals for 2 weeks. i find it redundant that the school has to put my exams right after cny which only makes the mood for studying worse. it didnt make things any better to find that my birthday, despite it being valentines day, had to be spent studying.

nevertheless, alot has happened within these few days. a million to thank, and a ruthless path to self discovery which i may add.

thanks to all who wished me on my glorious 20th birthday, whereby the only gifts i recieved was from hazel and audrey. hazel painstakingly bought me a pair of boxers and wine, the rest, i refer to as contraband because they are not for the young to view.

audrey, being the sweetest she could be (i love u babe) bought me an ipod for christmas/birthday/vday/anniversary. and made everything perfect by posting up unglam photos of me on her blog. refer to =)) on the right hand side please. not that i'm very displeased with it, but i realize only she (i love u babe) could capture the finest moments of me in my most embarrasing ways. but of course, it's only she (i love u babe) who really knows how embarrassing i can be. to add, she knows how happy i could be too. and even through all the bickerings that we constantly go through, i still find that she (i love you babe) can still put up with me.

so to audrey. i know i cant provide u the world, and i'm not exactly the most wholesome and flawless of guys, but i'm glad u're still with me despite all that. and i love you so much.

so after all that lying on my bed, forcing myself to sleep, i thought up a string of thoughts that made me ponder upon alot. which i feel is really relevant in my context.

for one. i'm gonna be entering army. and for some reason, i'm not as excited as i was before. it's not abt the physical aspect of it, but it's abt the time wasted. i'm 20 now. which means i only pass out when i'm 22.5. which means i enter uni (of which i've yet to decide where) at the age of 23. i would at best, graduate by the age of 26 with a basic degree. now if lets say, i being an ambitious 20 year old, would like to take honours, i'd probably graduate by the age of 27.5. and if would like to take up medicine post grad, i graduate after 30. now take 2 years off from army, i could graduate by 28.5. which makes life easier and i could start making a living for myself 1.5 years earlier than i should. now WTF!????! i only reel in the cash after 30? now thats troubling. very troubling.

i'm going to hongkong soon, which means, i've got to save hardcore. which is really hard now that i dont exactly have a permenant part time job and i really wish i could. i dont want to spend my red packets, and that's because i only have little left for the year. someone please convince me that my new year earnings are meant to be spent.

i'm starting to feel every emo lately, basically since the the beginning of the year, and i feel that there's a ton of thoughts going through my head. more than i should be thinking. i'd like to share it with everyone and anyone. but i just simply cant. the truth is, i'm in a perpetual downhill slide to self-worthlessness and i wished someone would please come up to me to ask me how things are working out for me, rather than i going up to people and let them hear my ungentlemently rants when it is against their will.

nothing is known for sure for what is going to happen in the future. but the future does look bleek for the fact i have to swear my life into the hands of the tax payer's money. gawd that feels miserable.

sadness madness

2008-02-07T04:43:00.000+08:00

to enter the new year, i've sucessfully manage to be on a loosing streak on poker which is very demoralising.

what's worse is the fact that just and hour ago, i managed to go down from a 40 dollar win, to a 15 dollar loss...

this is hardly the case when before 2008 kicked in.

watch out!

2008-01-19T03:42:00.000+08:00

i'm having trouble keeping with all my deadlines, and it seems 2008 or at least the start of it, doesnt exactly look pretty good. but i'm sure after this ordeal, i'd be fine and dandy, and i could start mellowing in my room after i wake up at 3pm in the afternoon.

i've got a problem with self discipline which explains my frequent rounds to the tables to put yusoff ishak on the line for a little go of adreneline, however, i dont seem to be meeting my ends meet.

i've got a problem, and it's personal.

creek!

2008-01-13T00:12:00.000+08:00

well oh well!

bye chris!

i'm hungry

2008-01-11T11:04:00.001+08:00

are u?

i'd like to post a happy post because of the year.

2008-01-05T02:57:00.000+08:00

but because i got pissed off so bad,
i decided to take it out on blogger!

it's absolutely ridiculous that in a span of less than 24 hours, you manage to not only make me worry like a mother to a lost child and after that find out that you were somewhere unjustifiable.

yeah, ok so what is done is done, and i was getting over it.

but you didnt have to hang up on me just because of a question that only consisted 6 words. and yes, though it was insensitive, i had every reason to ask!

i'm being beaten like a pulp here, and i damn sure know i don't deserve it.

thank you, please come again!

fuck

NUH

2007-12-20T01:50:00.000+08:00

i went down to NUH again, this wonderful night. i've probably been there about 5 times this year, and this time it has to do with this excruciating pain on my neck.

no it ain't ordinary. i went down to the family clinic to check it out, apparently, i might have suspected meningitis, which means, i could actually die. fo'sho.

total

2007-12-16T20:34:00.001+08:00

it's only when you've lost that that you have,
do you then know how to appreciate that.

and there's no reason for me to feel dull or sad in anyways, because what's there to loose when i've already lost it all. i'll appreciate all that i have now, because it can only get better from here.

and if you look at it microscopically, it's the simpler things that really spur me on to live. i was in mellow mode in the afternoon at about 4. the sun was not scorching, and there was decent amount of wind, the clouds were white and it wasnt all humid. it came to mind the days living in leedon where these type of days are spent on the roof top just zoning out and looking down at the swimming pool where the kids the adults would have a ball of time. smiling at each other, and the occasional shouts of warnings so that no one got hurt in the pool. and it was all fine. all was fine.

Perhaps it is better to be un-sane and happy, than sane and un-happy. But it is the best of all to be sane and happy. Whether our descendants can achieve that goal will be the greatest challenge of the future. Indeed, it may well decide whether we have any future. ~ Arthur C. Clarke

curves

2007-12-15T12:08:00.000+08:00

It is not the right angle that attracts me,

Nor the hard, inflexible straight line, man-made.

What attracts me are free and sensual curves.

The curves in my country’s mountains,

In the sinuous flow of its rivers,

In the beloved woman’s body.

~ Oscar Niemeyer ~

i have a feeling this person's alter ego is Mika.

Get yourself to the butterfly lounge
Find yourself a big lady

Big boy come on round

And there we're gonna do baby

No need to fantasize

Since I was in my braces

A watering hole

With the girls around

And curves in all the right places

-Mika

how much do you need?

2007-12-12T16:07:00.000+08:00

fortunately, i've found a great bunch of people to fall back on.
and i'm not that loserish as i am.

but if i die in the next 24 hrs,
i wonder if anyone can say i died happy...
and if i didn't die happy, i wonder if they knew why?

the cheery good times

2007-12-10T09:38:00.000+08:00

the uv rays on my skin, the frequently salt water in my eyes, the multiple abrasions on my ass, the constant contraction of my back.

the focus and drive in memorising and understanding the equations and definitions on my lecture notes, the momentary mental blocks at night

basically, these not so good things, are actually quite satisfying, knowing that at the end of things, i actually felt good, and doing it too felt good.

now where has that gone to?

-

it's 9.45 now on my desktop clock. whatever it is, i'm not feeling good about myself again. and it seems i'm only a pawn in the ruthless world outside my four walls. and the only solace is keeping myself away from myself.

-

boy, do i like mellowing down the neighbourhood pub just listening to good ole tunes on an acoustic guitar that never fails to lift my heart, even when i'm alone. it seems to inject this certain sense of nostalgia which i deem unable to fathom. it's good to drift back into mellow mode. and i'm feeling contented about it. cause it's only a short walk, and i get a full view of happy people with their company and drinks, just singing along like children singing coherently to a nursery rhyme. and just sitting there makes me know, as close as i am being alone, i am actually with company. and i don't have to talk, they don't know me, and i'm drowned into my own thoughts whereby no one can discriminate or share my joy with. which makes me indestructable.

-

coolios to myself, because over the years, i've learnt humility to know that the world does not revolve around me. i am still learning, and i don't want that to stop. i can say, i wear my heart on my sleeve and i really don't want to do bastard things even if it makes me happy. and i think that's one thing no one can take away from me.

-

now i'm gonna be thinking very rationally over some issues that matter hugely to me. it's gonna affect my future and prospects of me doing what i want to do. so keep your handphones on guys.. cause you never know, i might just call YOU for your priceless opinions that may or may not affect my decision, but it'll definitely be worth something.

-

tis the season to be jolly, let them good times roll

hazel said:

2007-12-10T01:14:00.000+08:00

you are not a horrid person aight. maybe it's just that this relationship you gave so much and you really did love her. And when the relationship failed, you were really hit badly. And then before you had the chance to wallow or heal, she came back again. And this time when she left, maybe you wonder why you let her play you again?...

i'm gonna defer for one sem. cause i really need time.

thank you all

this thing on my mind

2007-12-08T23:02:00.001+08:00

it's a wonder ain't it?
i'm feeling angry, yet sad at the same time. i cannot understand why? but i do. and even better, i can't seem to gauge well enough to know which one i feel more. though i tell most of my friends that i'm pissed. i still feel sad. and i think it's only to cover up that feeling. i am truely hurt. well, in better explaination, dissappointed.

and that bitter part of me has been on my mind ever since. and for some reason, i don't know why, no matter how much I KNOW, and I FEEL, that i truely did my best, and i did not do anything wrong, and i did whatever i was asked to, i still feel this certain gush of sadness that, somehow, i've failed, like it was my fault some how.

nevertheless, I KNOW, that there is someone better out there. someone who i deserve.

but, I KNOW, and I FEEL, no one can replace that kind of feeling i had for her.

pretty deep, and most would think of it as naive, but naive is only saying something but not working towards it. now that's naive. how many people can say that they're gonna be an astronaut and worked so hard towards it, and actually got, call themselves naive? and for those who didnt, know it was worth it. that's not naive, that's not divine intervention - that's what most people call, WORTH.

but yes, ultimately, i am hurt. and pissed.

and i wonder how many sorrys it's gonna take for you to realize, it's just as word, and it's the actions that only matter for it. because i know i wasn't naive.

so much for

2007-12-06T12:38:00.001+08:00

so much for asking me to do so much,
when you can't even take it from me.

you even asked me to do the opposite. (WTF?!?!)

GA

2007-12-05T16:15:00.000+08:00

i think being nice is a directly proportionate equation to being beaten like a pulp. well at least for me.

so why not, i be mean? besides, the whole world is mean.

then again, that would defy principles, and i would not be me.

i think i really deserve a little 6foot grave.

i'm gonna go shoot myself with a tommy gun.
i think that's really classic. like that from Scarface.