but anyway.. kudos to today! sentosa with the gls and shit... its damn nice to have all the gls have fun together.. not that i really do enjoy their company as a whole.. but i mean, i feel much closer to those who i can relate more to for example, the CCs and CGLs and maybe a few bits of the gls. but the rest... i jsut cant clique with... i'm a very choosy person. so anyway, i had fun chilling out with all of em. kayaking, playing the guitar, and just talking throughout the day.. it was super fulfilling. and damn, i loved it. if only i had the pics, ill post them out.
anyway, i'm quite sad that sports camp has actually come to a stop. i mean, shit i miss the good times with the cgls and our discussions and all that. honestly, its not like i felt we put in alot of hard quality work into what we planned... but hell the company was so exquisite, i'd never trade anything for that. hands down to gerard, who stood by me and as a true friend, stabbed me by the front and never the back. eileen, never failing to be a victim of my insults. kan, a joker at heart. chinny, for being another cock talker! there's so much for me to say abt them, but it just would be ever ending! cause words cant discribe what a bond we had! as pussy as i might be, i could almost feel tears rolling down my eyes after the last night of camp. should i go back and reflect on the days we actually spent together, it was timeless! i could not ask for more! and now that it has ended, how i wished it never stopped!
so here i sit, being emo and all that shit. in my boxers, i realized and reflect, my life aint that perfect afterall.. i realize ive been so selfish all this while only wanting to do what i do. or rather, i shift my priorities everywhere till its all messed up. its like i dont really see my family at my top 3 priorties in my life! its like wtf! and even God! ive backslided! it seems its 1. dragonboat, 2. skate, 3. studies. and when i have the time, family and friends and God come in!. but its like how do i control myself, when already i';ve commited so much of myself into the top 3. yeah maybe skate canbe put down... but how!? ive been doing it for too long! and i love it!.. it's really retarded!
with all that.. i'm having problems at home! mom's having a hard time.. and hence i'm having a hard time! fuck that. its like my whole world has changed!. who do i blame? yeah the most cliche of answers would be me. but if i were to be honest with myself, it had to be my bastard father! but its like, i need him too right!? its one of those situations where one comment keeps contradiciting another, and it keeps going on and on till u become confused. so well, now i understand why kids in disfunctional families are so disfunctional!?. they are poisoned by comments by different parties that its so hard to articulate correctly which is the right answer beyond reasonable doubt. as for me, to say that i'm not confused, is a lie, and i'd be a hypocrite. honestly, fark, yeah, i'm confused as hell!. am i sad. fark yes! i'm sad ! angry!? oh dont get me started! and its like, the only time i'm happy, is when i escape these problems and focus on rowing for ngee ann and skating! and studying and friends! and that's why my mom is blowing up at me! cause i dont spend time with the family! how in the world do i put up a facade where i know deep inside nothing's alright!? how!? i know myself! i'm straight to the bloody point! if i'm not happy! i'll say it! and i'm almost 80% certain of that!
i know anytime soon, i'm gonna break down! and ppl do try to talk to me! but what is there to talk!? i'm just sick of saying the story over again! over and over and over and over bloody again! such that i've been put into a pathetic situation such as this to blog it out so to release my angst.
love jon
posted by jonathan @ 1:01 AM
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