i'm hungry. are you?

the future seems gloomy

emo jon reporting.. and i think it's reality i report.
admist all the awards and papers of accolades ive been receiving, i do not seek comfort that i'll actually be able to do what i want to do in the future.
i mean yes, things currently have been going well with this and that but what i mean is that, in terms of my means of getting a good education, a car, or even a room to myself, seems little bit too much of a fairy tale.

yeah it looks like whatever is about a 4 figures and above, seems a little unrealistic to dream about anymore.

if my mom cant even agree to purchasing 2 boxes of contact lenses which i try my best to make the best of, what makes me think she'll get me a car or pay for my tuition fees overseas. now.. 2 boxes is 180 bucks. it's suppose to last me 3 months if i wear them everyday. but no. i was able to expand their usage to 6 months. now she doesnt see that, and i dont know why. if she cant and still hasnt forked out at least 150 bucks to actually fix my damn hard drive, what makes me think she would pay for the above again!??

it's simply ridiculous, that i am staying up at 3 am in the dead of the night, pondering at the situation. oh yeah, i have an 8 am lecture btw.

i mean, at this stage where the divorce is never going to be settled, and i do not see any returns even if it is, what makes me think ill be able to sit here and not worry.

i'm upset. really upset. i cant say i'm happy. it's bullshit.

for everything that has relation to money. which is almost everything in this world, i have to beg for, and it's seriously getting very tiring. if i dont beg, i work. not that i mind it's just that my grades are on the line.

but what's the point of working so damn hard in the classroom to find that my little piece of paper with my 'good' grades is just not enough to get me into a school. no, not because it sucks, but because i just dont have enough money. i'd rather just do what i'm doing now, get it done and just go out to work and not worry where i wanna be in the future. i mean, that way, at least, ill work for my own car, my own house, my own room, than to always ask my mom and feeling this feeling of oweing my life to her cause she purchased it for me with her life.

i sound like a spoilt brat now, and id understand why most of u would be angry. but if u people could just understand what i feel, and at least see it from my perspective, i'm sure u would be able to share my frustration.

i mean, look at it this way, ive been told many million times that ill get the chance to go overseas, ill get the chance to do this, ill get the chance to do that. but for what!? i dont see the chance.. the dough aint on the table. what chance do i have. i've been trying to do my part, but where's your part showing? it's depressing. even for my driving license, i had to beg, million nad one times, just so i'd get her to at least come up with 500 bucks to pay for it. but no. 500 bucks is only a third of the minimum needed and she makes such a big fuss that now i'm 19.. i've not even gone for my basic theory test. i feel like i'm such a waste. mom no longer understands me, because she's just so into the mode of letting dillon have a say in things now. it just sucks that i, her son, has got no say in anything now that i'm gone.

and yet again, i find out, on national day, she's gonna move my brother over to my room, just to have jessica have her space, yeah, great, she's a girl i respect that she has her own room. but i find it senseless. after all theyve been in the same room since we moved into this house, why move!? he snores like a fucking train (those who think i'm loud, should listen to his). and i have my own life to deal with too. i need my little privacy too. and no matter how many attempts i try to curbing that notion, she just wont listen.

no one does anymore in this household. i think it's a mess. i hate myself. and as taboo it may sound: i hate my family.

posted by jonathan @ 2:44 AM