if there's anything in this world id like to feel right now, it would be the sense of euphoria.
i didnt think it would come to this, where id focus so much on the little bits of problems that i face each day, to then enlarge them up that it devours me within a snap. ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the emo mind of the broken. (ME). yeah, it may seem self proclaimed, but what i feel now, id blog. after all, it's what a blog is for right? i mean, id rather type my emotions than write them down on paper, for one, it would be damn tiring, 2, id hope someone would help me rather than i keep it to myself till the rage or sadness is collected up in a plastic bottle, until sheer pressure causes it to explode. and i cnat imagine what sort of stunt id do.
i'm pretty much buanged for my social life cause i really dont know which direction i'm heading at. ive got so many circle of friends, and i miss the feeling of having a best friend. i dont really care whether it's a guy or lady. id like a friend who'd id share a platonic relationship with, and be able to keep up with it, and just be able to talk and talk and talk about anything other the sun. but time has passed, bertram has his own life now, vivian has grown out of my nerves and well nick is just not himself anymore.i talk about these people and not of some who think would have fit the list, is because, these people actually did have an impact on my life. a colossal impact. i could talk to them about anything if not everything. and i look up to them as mentors and well, they did hold a father figure for me while i stand fatherless for the sake of hatered. but all the changes and time has caused a drift, and often i'm kept to myself. i dont blame anybody for it, for i know, it was bound to happen one way or another, it was just a matter of time. people will meet other people, values and change, and voula, we from different universe. still, the universe i'm bound to now, seem to have the stars repelling away. and i'm stuck here again wondering, what went wrong. i'd imagine this as a test, and id assume id have failed. because no matter what, i cannot harness enough courage to face the world and meet up to it's requirement, sometimes i feel like i am afraid of the world and what it has installed for me. the surprises up ahead. thought it maybe good or bad, id rather not take the chance, for the risk of getting hurt. as much of a male i am, i emphasis again, that i'm still human. and i think it is one think that many men fail to realise that sometimes, building up can cause a catastrophe. for me. id rather dress down to dress up. as such.
i guess i'm really sad about the fact i'm mostly on my own. i lack a permanent and a realistic father. and even if i did, i doubt that mr ken jung would be of any good. i wished i had the company of a dad who would stand by my side and understood where i am coming from, every step of the way. like how a father would teach his son to play golf, or how a father would teach his son the values of life, such as, skirt chasing. i mean, it may sound trivial, and dont get me wrong, i'm not into skirt chasing, but it's these little guy to boy conversations i would really appreciate as a teen right now. i'm put into a position where i bank on my friends for advice, rather on a good father who'd teach me his ways which probably is foolproof to fact that how'd he get my mom. but all this is lacking cause, in real life, my father is a jerk, and i dont have him around. i am angry, and i am sad. but then again, i take this as a test. it's one of these silent sighs i express that no one usually notices, and i can only put it down on words here. honestly, id rather run away from the fact than have the whole world look at me in pity which my pride is too big for. hey, at least i'm honest here.
and it really got me thinking again to question, who really are my friends. i was actually quite tensed a few days back till now that maybe ive been way too nice. i mean the gerard eddie and the rest might not realize it, cause i mean, id defend myself any day against them, but towards other people. i become a wimp. for instance, it has been an everyday ritual that charles, qi rong and gang would just hurl insults at me over and over and over again. if lets say i were to put any of my other friends from other circles in my shoes, they'd probably break down and cry or stand up and start fighting with them. for me i just sit and let them go on. ok, i may be an air head for doing that, but what can i really do? i really dont want to argue with them cause itll only worsen relationships which i dont usually encourage and i mean, there wouldnt be any point cause they will just change the topic ard to say that i'm being such a puss. i'm actually surprised that i can withstand all those stone throwings and usually i just brush them off my shoulder, but sometimes it just gets over board. hah... i dont know. i'm just not feeling on top of the world right now, and at this point of time, i really would like to cry. but that again, its because of a strong front from my ego that i hold it back. but you never know, i might crawl up to the corner of my bed room and start sulking. i really wish there would be someone there. but whod be willing. i'm not proud of my past and i'm not proud about my problems, hence i really dont like to talk about it. but i guess this is my only avenue to vent. and i doubt it's enough.
i dont expect sympathy from all of you, cause expectations are sometimes redundant when you give so much. but it's only human. i stress the point that this is only a post to vent.
soak up my lazy days
posted by jonathan @ 10:28 PM
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