i'm hungry. are you?

raffles ate durian

i'm writing this post at end of this morning, only because, it's only 20mins left till i head for an event i look forward to everyday during attachment, lunch. but today's special, cause i'm dining for free.. cod fish and lamb, chicken and carbo. i'll be eating last night's left overs at home.

i have to lament over the fact that, yesterday's payday, but i havent gotten my damn cheque. so much for anticipation.

anyhow, i'm quite upset with myself. fact being, i'm never going to be enough for this world. i've spent so much time, making people around me happy, that when it comes to my wellbeing, i feel left aside. not saying that it never happened before. i mean, there are these few moments where i do feel accepted by friends. but boy, did it take a whole lot for me to be.
i looked back of my past when 'we were young, we were free', nothing really mattered, just having fun. even during my o levels, i still invested a few good hours during the weekends to take off studying and just going out for a little skating or even just catching up with my friends. life was carefree. but now, i feel i've grown too soon, too fast, at the wrong time. there are more things to think about, to the point it has become excessive. and i again, lament, these times, simply because, i'm not having as much fun as i did before.
this brings back moments after my olevels when i was in melbourne with nick and co., it was fun, pure fun, just the best of friends on a holiday, but as days go, people change, i feel i've been kicked out of a family, and it was merciless to the point, ive become quiet, ive become insane. i cannot deny i was hurt, and i cannot deny it hurt so bad that i've been scarred. it's to the point, tears do not say anything, but i'd rather just stone away and pretend it never happened. but the past continues to haunt me, because, it was childhood, and these days have all ended without a happy ending.

i wanna go back to melbourne. even if it's just me alone. i wanna get out of here

posted by jonathan @ 11:39 AM