i'm hungry. are you?

eclipse

if confidence would come in a form of a pill, i'd take it willing it everyday. knowing that i lost something so precious that no one except myself can replace. i know i'm sick, i know i'm a rut which is so difficult to get over with. if knowing that life were so precious i would go out and live my life to the fullest. but in the most deepest cuts of my heart, i know i've lost something, someone so precious, that it seems i've lost a part of me. and like every situation in me, it was stringed together with a mighty thread that when it was lost, it took so many other things away from me.

i dare say i can never trust what my heart tells me anymore for the very fact it was the only thing that dragged me down. even so, i doubt my mind. and it has resulted in a complex multiple episodes of illusions that bring me to stare blankly at a stationary object just having nothing in mind, knowing that i can never trust myself anymore.

forgiven but not forgetten, but how will i ever find the means to forgive myself for all that i've done. the will to survive has diminished and i only wished for something to take me away from this place, maybe to a parallel universe whereby a restart button is there to be pushed so that i can live my already sophisticated life all over again.

in all honesty, i know i will take a long time to get over and let go for a restart to take place. for the wait being worth is uncertain which is the most detrimental and scary part of life.

i never knew i'd end up like this, looking back, i'd laugh at people who fall into this trap. and at present, look at where i'm in. in change, there are too many differences, like computational variables that just tumble in place, not knowing whether it would be good or bad, reject or fail to reject. how can one find him or herself at peace with such a situation. for even the value of oneself has diminished from the face of earth.

i struggle to keep up with life, for life before was a bed of roses and now it seems to be a burning hell fury of dust and ash where i seem to be a battle axe, difficult to handle, but respected. i've lost control over myself. and hope is lost. in another 4 months i'll be out of poly and where it brings me to i do not know. for i know now even a single peace of 5mins can bring me down so much deeper on the ground that i've rooted in place knowing i've been humbled.

may it be, i thank all that visited me with your grace that i may get well, and i wish i would.

posted by jonathan @ 1:13 PM