haitus
good afternoon fellow viewers. many of whom i probably know and would least expect to be constantly hounding this poor domain of its bandwidth.in view of my current situations most of which are new, i'm afraid i cannot continue to blog as freely anymore. not that i do it as liberally as xia xue (i pen my thoughts in the most reasonable of ways that i avoid any mass discrimination and any influx of critics). that is not the point. the point is - now that i'm back from canada (a beautiful country might i add), ive been bombarded with new assignments that is consequential to what i put publicly on the world wide web. yes, i could always lock this blog. but most of you know thats not how i roll and if anything is to my concern, i'm transparent and have nothing to hide.
these assignments though i've known for a period of 3 days only has taken a toll on my sleep, my heart and my mind. yes it is heavy. no i did not make anybody pregnant. it is work. i've now been handed a roll as an OC post and a PC post. double whammy for those army junkies. some might say it is impossible to be handed such a job for the fact being am an OC to begin with and i ISSUE the rolls of PCs. I'll be an instructor to the 51th batch of OCTs and will continue my reign as a company commander. yes. double ouch.
apart from this, my personal life has been hounded with multiple asteriods of destruction that i find it quite surprising that i'm still holding up well. how long this can go on, i am unsure. the family is falling apart and i might have again lost one more member of a previously 6 membered family to this fight for matrimonial assets. this number has been reduced to 4. i am deeply upset and lost for words. the future which i once thought would seem bright has now turned bleek. i look forward to the remainder of 2009 with constant cold wars with mother bear which i know i do not deserve. i'll be bracing myself. there are more but i think that will be saved when this whole ordeal is over. not that i think it will be over so soon.
audrey. i will not look for sympathy and for your second look. for the many times you have dissappointed me before, you have again managed to conduct a symphony of blades to cut me. i wish you would just make up your own mind and accept any consequences that are held before you. they may be good outcomes and some bad and most of all they are inevitable. by thinking of the bad all the time you withdraw yourself to the end. and though it is good to sometimes look at the long term, which i often did when i was with you. i think its time you look at what you have and appreciate them. live the moment. no one is perfect. but by being in something so dynamic like a relationship, please note, you will get yourself hurt, even if it lasts or not. no one has it all figured out. it is the uncertainty of the future that makes life all worth while living. so take a chance when it comes by you. it may not be with me. but to whoever you go to. i hope you stop that fickle mindset that has hurt me and whoever that has stuck by me all this while. every action has a reaction. hurt one, hurt all.
my plans for further education has also taken a beating. after coming back from the states and canada, seeing all the different universities with my mom. i've been left with uncertainty again which made my life all the more difficult again. i have no idea where i want to go. and for the first time i'm frustrated with the many options i have. i spent the last 2 days overseas being so quiet and reserved, not because it was cold and that ang mohs are 1st class citizens, but because i'm just so dumbfounded with what it is i want to do. i'm so confused. i do want science. but where? i do want to be a doctor. but where? my heart aches because i have no idea where this is leading me. my mom injects hopes into veins which i fear sometimes as well as false because i hate to put in effort in something that doesnt work out in the end. i also have the problem with meeting up with my SATS deadline and actually studying for it when i've been overloaded.
and i guess i could kiss dragon boat goodbye at this end. i will be overloaded with work. and i feel at such a lost because you all know, that's what drives me.
i guess when it boils down to it. there's just too much layed in front of me. and this will probably be my last post till the dust settles. hopefully by ORD when i can relieve myself of my duties and when i finally narrow down my university options.
till then for those who know me. my number is still the same. i've got msn, bbm and sms. i wish all of you the best and we will meet up soon. my heart aches that this wonderful site where i put my writings, has to come to an end. but for confidentialty sake, cause the scumbags from OCT will have a peek at my life, i will have to do so.
the above was a description of what has been happening. i hope to come back again to this place when i am ready to know that life became better and i did have a hard time and i would be better in the future.
fuck that is a long post. i'll edit again for grammatical and vocabulary mistakes.
posted by jonathan @ 2:51 PM
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