i'm hungry. are you?

i woke up this morning to a day where real activity actually starts at 5.30, which is training. not that i loath it. i actually do get hyped when i think abt training. and when i dont. i hyped myself up =).

so within that empty space of time, though not much thought dwelled through this mind, i realize the emptiness i feel inside is only caused by idleness. its only when i lay bored, nothing to think of rather to think too much where i start being paranoid about my well being. and as such, i feel emo. dont get me wrong, i'm not emo in nature, in fact, i'm a happy kid. i always try to put a smile on my face when i can. maybe it doesnt apply to my family. but when i'm outside most of the time, hanging out with my friends, dealing with strangers, i try to be as nice as i can be. and it's these little things that perk me up, that keeps me sane to pull that smile i have off. so then you would be thinking whether i am fake. well being human, yeah of course. but to the extent that i'm malicious? i doubt so. i enjoy being happy and ill do anything to drag myself out of my misery.

so what pulls me down to this misery i say? its the little problems that i dont necessarily have to think about. but it's one of those type of things where you know stealing is wrong but you still do it. its like how financially unstable my family is. yeah, i know about the problems my mom face when bringing home the bread, but countless times have i heard to not worry cause everything will be ok. how true can that be? and then, all the "what ifs?" start pouring in, and i become bamboozled by all these questions that i start being sad. and its only when i become idle.

am i then escaping reality? but how do you articulate correctly the difference between reality and thinking too much. because its all by chance. the decision i make when a chance passes. mathematically its impossible to work out the probability of which is the right choice. and as such it is so hard to make up our mind on whether we're thinking too much.

beyond that, i really cannot say whether i'm fake or i'm running away from reality. but know this, i'm happy. and i will always try to be.

so then, unless i want to look like a old school ah beng with a bulging stomach and a bottle of carlsberg on the marble table infront of me, i'm gonna shower and hed off to training.

one love, and peace out fools.......

posted by jonathan @ 3:44 PM