the future seems gloomy
emo jon reporting.. and i think it's reality i report.
admist all the awards and papers of accolades ive been receiving, i do not seek comfort that i'll actually be able to do what i want to do in the future.
i mean yes, things currently have been going well with this and that but what i mean is that, in terms of my means of getting a good education, a car, or even a room to myself, seems little bit too much of a fairy tale.
yeah it looks like whatever is about a 4 figures and above, seems a little unrealistic to dream about anymore.
if my mom cant even agree to purchasing 2 boxes of contact lenses which i try my best to make the best of, what makes me think she'll get me a car or pay for my tuition fees overseas. now.. 2 boxes is 180 bucks. it's suppose to last me 3 months if i wear them everyday. but no. i was able to expand their usage to 6 months. now she doesnt see that, and i dont know why. if she cant and still hasnt forked out at least 150 bucks to actually fix my damn hard drive, what makes me think she would pay for the above again!??
it's simply ridiculous, that i am staying up at 3 am in the dead of the night, pondering at the situation. oh yeah, i have an 8 am lecture btw.
i mean, at this stage where the divorce is never going to be settled, and i do not see any returns even if it is, what makes me think ill be able to sit here and not worry.
i'm upset. really upset. i cant say i'm happy. it's bullshit.
for everything that has relation to money. which is almost everything in this world, i have to beg for, and it's seriously getting very tiring. if i dont beg, i work. not that i mind it's just that my grades are on the line.
but what's the point of working so damn hard in the classroom to find that my little piece of paper with my 'good' grades is just not enough to get me into a school. no, not because it sucks, but because i just dont have enough money. i'd rather just do what i'm doing now, get it done and just go out to work and not worry where i wanna be in the future. i mean, that way, at least, ill work for my own car, my own house, my own room, than to always ask my mom and feeling this feeling of oweing my life to her cause she purchased it for me with her life.
i sound like a spoilt brat now, and id understand why most of u would be angry. but if u people could just understand what i feel, and at least see it from my perspective, i'm sure u would be able to share my frustration.
i mean, look at it this way, ive been told many million times that ill get the chance to go overseas, ill get the chance to do this, ill get the chance to do that. but for what!? i dont see the chance.. the dough aint on the table. what chance do i have. i've been trying to do my part, but where's your part showing? it's depressing. even for my driving license, i had to beg, million nad one times, just so i'd get her to at least come up with 500 bucks to pay for it. but no. 500 bucks is only a third of the minimum needed and she makes such a big fuss that now i'm 19.. i've not even gone for my basic theory test. i feel like i'm such a waste. mom no longer understands me, because she's just so into the mode of letting dillon have a say in things now. it just sucks that i, her son, has got no say in anything now that i'm gone.
and yet again, i find out, on national day, she's gonna move my brother over to my room, just to have jessica have her space, yeah, great, she's a girl i respect that she has her own room. but i find it senseless. after all theyve been in the same room since we moved into this house, why move!? he snores like a fucking train (those who think i'm loud, should listen to his). and i have my own life to deal with too. i need my little privacy too. and no matter how many attempts i try to curbing that notion, she just wont listen.
no one does anymore in this household. i think it's a mess. i hate myself. and as taboo it may sound: i hate my family.
bring it on
As I walk through the valley of death I fear no one,
for I am the meanest mother fucker in the valley!
And it came to me then that every plan is a tiny prayer to father time
As I stared at my shoes in the ICU that reeked of piss and 409
And I rationed my breathes as I said to myself that I'd already taken too much today
As each descending peak of the LCD took you a little farther away from me
Away from me
Amongst the vending machines and year-old magazines in a place where we only say goodbye
It stung like a violent wind that our memories depend on a faulty camera in our minds
But I knew that you were a truth I would rather lose than to have never lain beside at all
And I looked around at all the eyes on the ground as the TV entertained itself
'Cause there's no comfort in the waiting room
Just nervous pacers bracing for bad news
And then the nurse comes round and everyone will lift their heads
But I'm thinking of what Sarah said that "Love is watching someone die"
So who's going to watch you die?...-----------------------------------------i wont be modest about this, just because the rest of the world hates show offs, but id rather be completely honest. i know few who would watch me die. but i know there are also few out there who dont have anyone.
to those who would, i'd like to spend my remaining years in this world spending time, and just learning more about you.
for those who dont, the time will come, the time will come.
for those who i'd watch, i'd love to be there when something, or anything happens. not necessarily death.
---------------------------------great times with great companies could wrap up the past 2 weeks. thanks all.
----------------------------------------
audrey, i love you.
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mark, the time will come, u just wait, i'll be right.
-----------------------------------------
iylia, happy birthday
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jonjung, fuck you plenty
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audrey, i really do love you.
alot
why does the world need me..
when the best thing i do is being a dick
and the worst thing i do is being someone nice.
how'd i wish a car, maybe a flying car, could run me down at full speed, such that i feel enough pain to get me into coma, but just little enough to let me live without having my legs removed.
the grill was great, thanks all.
i'm sorry
lab work
the lab's rat at work
for drey drey =)
You cut me down a tree
And brought it back to me
And that's what made me see
Where I was going wrong
You put me on a shelf
And kept me for yourself
I can only blame myself
You can only blame me
And I could write a song
A hundred miles long
Well, that's where I belong
And you belong with me
And I could write it down
or spread it all around
Get lost and then get found
Or swallowed in the sea
You put me on a line
And hung me out to dry
And darling that's when I
Decided to go to sea
You cut me down to size
And opened up my eyes
Made me realize
What I could not see
And I could write a book
The one they'll say that shook
The world, and then it took
It took it back from me
And I could write it down
Or spread it all around
Get lost and then get found
And you'll come back to me
Not swallowed in the sea
Ooh...
And I could write a song
A hundred miles long
Well, that's where I belong
And you belong with me
The streets you're walking on
A thousand houses long
Well, that's where I belong
And you belong with me
Oh what good is it to live
With nothing left to give
Forget but not forgive
Not loving all you see
Are the streets you're walking on
A thousand houses long
Well that's where I belong
And you belong with me
Not swallowed in the sea
You belong with me
Not swallowed in the sea
Yeah, you belong with me
Not swallowed in the sea
i love you many many.
i'm sorry i'm such a ****
sleepless at 2.30 really is a bitch.
i was tired about an hour ago, and now i cant really get myself to sleep. which is awfully sad considering i have 8 am lecture tomorrow morning. and it doesnt help that i've got reports and assignments overdue.
i've probably lost all hope in striving to be the best now. especially in attaining a spot of stardom in the pursuit for a cash overflowing job. not that money really matters because in the future of flying cars and artificial intelligence, all our currency would turn into eggs from chickens that we would have to keep plentiful to attain the status of being rich.
on a serious note, i think i'm being punished for all the misdeeds ive done as i calculate the misfortune leading till now, and i suggestively concluded that this massive black hole i'm being sucked it is because i've picked up very bad habits that could be compared to as being handed a life sentense in alcatraz.
nevertheless, i shall continue to be online to search on irrelavent matters to my life as an attempt to make me fall asleep, knowing that tmr will be a long day where i'd probably yawn over the numbers that go beyond the hundreds.
i do somehow have this urge to thank all those that have been there and helped through my rough patch, even though i've been such a bitch through my poly life. now i wished i was nicer before.
"i am optimus prime"
stay hungry stay foolish
i think i've experience a reasonable amount of depressing moments for an average 19 year old to feel. but today or least for the past 24 hours i think i've hit a record.
i've dwelled into a deep black hole whereby i dug up myself, and made sure it was 175 cm deep, such that there is still an extra few cms above my head. to be damn sure than my whole body sinks in.
i made it so deep such that no one around me is able to save me, only because i refuse to stick my hands above my torso such that i can be pulled out. ive made people sad, even the hippo.
i'm sorry. and also the people near me such as leonidus, couldnt help me.
i'm sorry.nevertheless, i realize in the past 24 hours, i was so deep in treachary, that i seem to forget one of my many aims in life that i hold dear to me. one of which that kept me striving for me.
stay hungry. stay foolish.i'm picking myself up. i'm gonna make them stronger. i know it may not work out right, and i may dig a hole deeper the next time round in november. but i rekon, it's a gamble worth placing my bets on.
i love you all. thanks.
