NUH
i went down to NUH again, this wonderful night. i've probably been there about 5 times this year, and this time it has to do with this excruciating pain on my neck.
no it ain't ordinary. i went down to the family clinic to check it out, apparently, i might have suspected meningitis, which means, i could actually die. fo'sho.
total
it's only when you've lost that that you have,
do you then know how to appreciate that.
and there's no reason for me to feel dull or sad in anyways, because what's there to loose when i've already lost it all. i'll appreciate all that i have now, because it can only get better from here.
and if you look at it microscopically, it's the simpler things that really spur me on to live. i was in mellow mode in the afternoon at about 4. the sun was not scorching, and there was decent amount of wind, the clouds were white and it wasnt all humid. it came to mind the days living in leedon where these type of days are spent on the roof top just zoning out and looking down at the swimming pool where the kids the adults would have a ball of time. smiling at each other, and the occasional shouts of warnings so that no one got hurt in the pool. and it was all fine. all was fine.
Perhaps it is better to be un-sane and happy, than sane and un-happy. But it is the best of all to be sane and happy. Whether our descendants can achieve that goal will be the greatest challenge of the future. Indeed, it may well decide whether we have any future. ~ Arthur C. Clarke
curves
It is not the right angle that attracts me,
Nor the hard, inflexible straight line, man-made.
What attracts me are free and sensual curves.
The curves in my country’s mountains,
In the sinuous flow of its rivers,
In the beloved woman’s body.
i have a feeling this person's alter ego is Mika.
Get yourself to the butterfly lounge
Find yourself a big lady
Big boy come on round
And there we're gonna do baby
No need to fantasize
Since I was in my braces
A watering hole
With the girls around
And curves in all the right places
-Mika
how much do you need?
fortunately, i've found a great bunch of people to fall back on.
and i'm not that loserish as i am.
but if i die in the next 24 hrs,
i wonder if anyone can say i died happy...
and if i didn't die happy, i wonder if they knew why?
the cheery good times
the uv rays on my skin, the frequently salt water in my eyes, the multiple abrasions on my ass, the constant contraction of my back.
the focus and drive in memorising and understanding the equations and definitions on my lecture notes, the momentary mental blocks at night
basically, these not so good things, are actually quite satisfying, knowing that at the end of things, i actually felt good, and doing it too felt good.
now where has that gone to?
-
it's 9.45 now on my desktop clock. whatever it is, i'm not feeling good about myself again. and it seems i'm only a pawn in the ruthless world outside my four walls. and the only solace is keeping myself away from myself.
-
boy, do i like mellowing down the neighbourhood pub just listening to good ole tunes on an acoustic guitar that never fails to lift my heart, even when i'm alone. it seems to inject this certain sense of nostalgia which i deem unable to fathom. it's good to drift back into mellow mode. and i'm feeling contented about it. cause it's only a short walk, and i get a full view of happy people with their company and drinks, just singing along like children singing coherently to a nursery rhyme. and just sitting there makes me know, as close as i am being alone, i am actually with company. and i don't have to talk, they don't know me, and i'm drowned into my own thoughts whereby no one can discriminate or share my joy with. which makes me indestructable.
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coolios to myself, because over the years, i've learnt humility to know that the world does not revolve around me. i am still learning, and i don't want that to stop. i can say, i wear my heart on my sleeve and i really don't want to do bastard things even if it makes me happy. and i think that's one thing no one can take away from me.
-
now i'm gonna be thinking very rationally over some issues that matter hugely to me. it's gonna affect my future and prospects of me doing what i want to do. so keep your handphones on guys.. cause you never know, i might just call YOU for your priceless opinions that may or may not affect my decision, but it'll definitely be worth something.
-
tis the season to be jolly, let them good times roll
hazel said:
you are not a horrid person aight. maybe it's just that this relationship you gave so much and you really did love her. And when the relationship failed, you were really hit badly. And then before you had the chance to wallow or heal, she came back again. And this time when she left, maybe you wonder why you let her play you again?...
i'm gonna defer for one sem. cause i really need time.
thank you all
this thing on my mind
it's a wonder ain't it?
i'm feeling angry, yet sad at the same time. i cannot understand why? but i do. and even better, i can't seem to gauge well enough to know which one i feel more.
though i tell most of my friends that i'm pissed. i still feel sad. and i think it's only to cover up that feeling. i am truely hurt. well, in better explaination, dissappointed.
and that bitter part of me has been on my mind ever since. and for some reason, i don't know why, no matter how much I KNOW, and I FEEL, that i truely did my best, and i did not do anything wrong, and i did whatever i was asked to, i still feel this certain gush of sadness that, somehow, i've failed, like it was my fault some how.
nevertheless, I KNOW, that there is someone better out there. someone who i deserve.
but, I KNOW, and I FEEL, no one can replace that kind of feeling i had for her.
pretty deep, and most would think of it as naive, but naive is only saying something but not working towards it. now that's naive. how many people can say that they're gonna be an astronaut and worked so hard towards it, and actually got, call themselves naive? and for those who didnt, know it was worth it. that's not naive, that's not divine intervention - that's what most people call, WORTH.
but yes, ultimately, i am hurt. and pissed.
and i wonder how many sorrys it's gonna take for you to realize, it's just as word, and it's the actions that only matter for it. because i know i wasn't naive.
so much for
so much for asking me to do so much,
when you can't even take it from me.
you even asked me to do the opposite. (WTF?!?!)
GA
i think being nice is a directly proportionate equation to being beaten like a pulp. well at least for me.
so why not, i be mean? besides, the whole world is mean.
then again, that would defy principles, and i would not be me.
i think i really deserve a little 6foot grave.
i'm gonna go shoot myself with a tommy gun.
i think that's really classic. like that from Scarface.
