talk about changing for the better this sem... it seems ive turned for the worse! ive been sleeping in almost every lecture. i slept through my ABC tutorial. the most dishearting part of it is: i can laugh abt it! hahahahaha! almost like i'm proud of it! this is bad.
went to zouk on weds night with db and gang. it was the vp's bday! pretty wild night! i arrived at 12, and by the time i arrived, jun wei, owen, shun de were good as drunk. but that didnt stop the party animals. danced all night till the early morning. things kinda got out of hand. but i shall spare the detail.
today was training and we almost dyed! rowing 5km straight, almost took me out, besides that, i wasnt doing the usual twisting, causing kok yi (whositsbehindme) to suffer alot. he was panting so hard after we were done. i feel bad =(.
anyway, i'm gonna be on TV!!! haha i wont say for what. but when the occasion arrises i need u all to vote! so that my team can win 20000 bucks and i can buy a meal =). that's if i'm nice enough, which is quite unlikely. nevertheless, spare a brat a chance =).
ive been working like crazy lately. trying to get some monay so that i pay for my bike license and also to keep up with me 'hectic' life style. lol.
i've always been so revved up to get a car license and put my mom's car to the limit so that i could go to places without using public transport. but i cant, specifically because my mom WONT pay for my lessons and i DON'T have any cash. but after today, that hyped up feeling is gone, or rather has shifted to another mode of transport. no, i'm not talking abt public transport, not my skateboard, and definately not my bicycle. oh yes, it's getting a motorbike. i did some calculations and asked all my friends, they all agreed it's the most practical and cost effective way to drift away from public transport.
so what exactly made me change my mindset, i sat on chris's bike... and i felt MAGIC. i felt powerful.
so......... i'm gonna take my bike license, gonna get my vespa... and i'm gonna be damn coooooolll
heeee.... training's in 2 1/2 hrs time, and i should be on my way to school to collect the manay for dnd. oh well... ill just take my time =).
i dont think ever for once in my life i was, or ever am going to be gay. i just think i'm too infactuated with the female species. id like to go into details on how physically attractive they may be, but my female counterparts might think i'm chauvinist and might not want to hang out with me anymore. but hey! its not till u see the person will u then know how the person's like right!? but anyway, girls, or women, have this aura around them that makes them so... what they are! i mean, unlike guys where we spend most of our time just talking abt guy stuff, its like girls have this way for talking, be it in the topic or the way they speak that sometimes, make me wanna listen on. ok, so i'm being very stupid to put this as a general statement, but i mean, for my case, for the most of the girls i hang out with, they're just not like guys. how bloody obvious. but oh well... okok, i shant dwell on this anymore. kudos to the female race!
well oh well.. school's starting. and it seemed it was only yesterday that it was the 1st day of school. what the hell, i'm year 2 now! i'm a senior! hahahha.. the thought of being in charge is quite appealing. i'm no more some young guy at the corner anymore. people are gonna be looking up to me. which i find a bit disturbing, considering, i'm quite childish in nature, and i'm prone to hurting ppl, whether its sticking a fork in his/her eye, or just whiplashing a generous amount of 'sensible' vocabulary to just spoil his/her miserable heart. hmmmmmmmmm
my ass hurts so does the rest of my legs, and there's fitness test later. i'm gonna die or fail. happy day to you
and yet again it's raining like mad, and ive got no other plans but to go to the gym later on to meet hafiz. thursday is fitness test, and i'm not sure how well ill fair. this is horrid. oh well.
so anyway, about sean paul, who i'm so into right now, i think this jamaican english style kinda of thing is damn cool! haha. its like for one, i cant immitate it, and 2, he pulls it off so well- SEAN-A-PAUL, BREAKING IT DOWN!
i'm hoping that ill get that scholarship from school! though maybe i did not do as extraordinarily well as my 1st sem, i just hope theyll look into my case and interview me, see that i may be desperate. it seems with this scholarship, everything would turn out better. like, i might be able to ask for an allowance raise, my mom will have 1 less burden to care about, ill get an extra 50 bucks for every A grade i get, i dont have to worry about monay anymore, and more than ever, i can tell my dad off - i dont need his monay to keep me in school. though some things that may prevent me from getting this scholarship, my mom's income which is abt 3000 odd. my grades, which is like a B+ average. i just hope i can get to see the facilitator so i can beg and put up a show to see how much a "deserve" this scholarship. hopefully he/she doesnt send me a mail with a picture of the third finger up to me. or worse, a package where a mould of the third finger pops up when i open it.
i'm short of cash once again, and i havent paid for dnd, i'm so screwed. crapppppppppppppppppp. i wonder if i could sell my underwear for cash? maybe my cut toe nails?
i'm gonna start posting pictures.. i think thats the only way i can feel happy without talking.. hahaha
i woke up this morning to a day where real activity actually starts at 5.30, which is training. not that i loath it. i actually do get hyped when i think abt training. and when i dont. i hyped myself up =).
so within that empty space of time, though not much thought dwelled through this mind, i realize the emptiness i feel inside is only caused by idleness. its only when i lay bored, nothing to think of rather to think too much where i start being paranoid about my well being. and as such, i feel emo. dont get me wrong, i'm not emo in nature, in fact, i'm a happy kid. i always try to put a smile on my face when i can. maybe it doesnt apply to my family. but when i'm outside most of the time, hanging out with my friends, dealing with strangers, i try to be as nice as i can be. and it's these little things that perk me up, that keeps me sane to pull that smile i have off. so then you would be thinking whether i am fake. well being human, yeah of course. but to the extent that i'm malicious? i doubt so. i enjoy being happy and ill do anything to drag myself out of my misery.
so what pulls me down to this misery i say? its the little problems that i dont necessarily have to think about. but it's one of those type of things where you know stealing is wrong but you still do it. its like how financially unstable my family is. yeah, i know about the problems my mom face when bringing home the bread, but countless times have i heard to not worry cause everything will be ok. how true can that be? and then, all the "what ifs?" start pouring in, and i become bamboozled by all these questions that i start being sad. and its only when i become idle.
am i then escaping reality? but how do you articulate correctly the difference between reality and thinking too much. because its all by chance. the decision i make when a chance passes. mathematically its impossible to work out the probability of which is the right choice. and as such it is so hard to make up our mind on whether we're thinking too much.
beyond that, i really cannot say whether i'm fake or i'm running away from reality. but know this, i'm happy. and i will always try to be.
so then, unless i want to look like a old school ah beng with a bulging stomach and a bottle of carlsberg on the marble table infront of me, i'm gonna shower and hed off to training.
so i'm back from training camp. tired i must say. but i guess i feel good abt even surviving it. the 1st day was hardcore. training started at 915 - 12+.. and all we did was run and static... and balls... it almsot took the very existense out of me. but i shall just keep a hush hush abt it. i'm in no position to release our team's training routine. all i can say is that, i feel conditioned and well... the team has come a long we. i'm proud we pulled through
so i just came back from a movie with gerard and his freshies. 8 and below. [IMG]http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v664/jonjung/8belowposterbig.jpg[/IMG] and, it's not worth my 9.50 which i'm trying so hard not to spend. yes my friends... i did not like the movie.. especially when in the mood where i'm tired from camp and really need something to perk me up. not make me emo!
so then it was off back home with gerard. and we spent time talking abt my life.. and it really struck me that - i'm not all that contented with me life. yeah i'm always busy doing things i love to do. dragonboating, skating, studying to get good grades, and spending time with friends. but i really do feel there's something missing. something so important, that i do not realize. could it be God? could it be a special someone? as in, yeah, i will not complain abt the fact that i'm occupied most of the time, but ill be fussy abt the fact that there are more important things out there that i'm missing out on. 1 such example, family. so as such, if i give up any of the few priorities ive stated up there, i would feel miserable! it's like, ill never feel contented with life no matter which path i take!? and it saddens me.
what's worst is who can i really turn to when such 'problems' run in my head. i dont turn to bertram anymore, neither to vivian, the 2 most influencial people in my life who have faded away. rather i turn to gerard. dont get me wrong, he is great guy! he does give constructive advice that i do take positively. but its just that sometimes id like a person of the opposite sex to hear me out. and right now, there not really a viable canidate who's able to uphold this task. yes again i'm saddened.
my swearing is also getting worse. who'd ever think from the time i entered poly, that id be at such a stage now. its like every sentense i burt out has a vulgarity of all sorts, all languages. bad influence? i guess... i need to change that.
on a brighter note.. i'm quite into sean paul right now!
good day! so.. today... was a happy day... nothing in my way... just maybe the sense of my mom nagging at me at the back at my head... but no! i went ahead with what i wanted to do..
so how exactly did i spend this day!? starting ard 11-12noon.. i was at school, watching and spying foc.. and gyming... it was a light work out.. cause i though training camp was gonna kill me.. then again....... camp is only 2 days away... and playing light was just stupid!... so then.. beyond that.. i helped ssc clean up their patheticly disguisting and dusty clubhouse. not that i really did help alot. other than just packing... all i did was sit at the side and make fun at them. what effort! so then i head home at 6.. and left for a session with nick.. oh yeah.. i just perked! hahha.. skating never really felt as good as today... though i did not really land those solid tricks.. i was happy.. i was hyped! and that's whats most important!
so anyway. nick had a meeting with this guy from essential sports marketing which handles like events management and all that... and are like affliated with the government to promote niche sports.. the details of this meeting is confidential. so hence i shant say much abt it, but i;ve been given the task to compile and send out! haha.. aiya.. i'm just plain lazy to list the details.
so then... just a thought... it seemed that maybe vivian and i have drifted apart so far... that the last straw was when i lambasted her for deleting my post on her blog. yeah maybe it was a misunderstanding, but i find it so irritating that it was indirectly my fault for the drift. we werent even together! and i do feel very fortunate abt it! yes there were times i thought abt being with her.. and we almsot made it, but there's always the part of commitment which held me back. so dont get me wrong: i'm not the type of person who will not to commit to a relationship. but rather, id like my partner to realize that i too have a life.. and that i'm busy... and that she'd understand my position. its not that i dislike being with her or anything, its just that sometimes she asks for too much! to the point where it becomes threatening. ok yes, she's spoilt and pampered and all that and she's from a well to do family, but its not helping that she has the mentality of: whatever i want, i must have. she's sweet and all that, but really, i'm not ready to give every thing to her.. i'm not ready to quit dragon boating, quit skating just to be with her every single minute of the day. and so u guys might ask, but has she asked u to quit!? yes! she has! she has asked me many times to take time off from dragon boating just to talk or company her. ok so maybe its an activity that i maybe able to take time off.. but what abt studies!? i do recall times where she has asked me to put down my books so to talk to her. but i'm enjoying what i read! i'm enjoying what i study! and if a relationship was going to get in my way of my future, obviously ill retreat! and as if retreating was not enough! she had to press it in! "woo ur studies more and important and all that". she's not really being supportive. it doesnt angry me that she's doing as such, rather it saddens me. after almost 3+ years of knowing her, and being a close friend for a period of time. i dont understand why she hasnt grown up. there's a million and one things i can say abt vivian that i;d rather keep for another day. but it really pisses me off when i think abt it! hai.
on a brighter note, todays such a wonderful day!
so anyway, i wont be able to join any groups for their sentosa outing cause ill be spending my long weekend in school, training camp baby! and i'm quite hyped abt it! =). the long runs, the endurance weights, the rowing and oh yes, the friends. dragonboating has really changed me! and i feel its really a positive thing! its like no matter how bad a situation might be, if lets say i;m at fault, ive always got my teammates to back me up! and that's what a team sport is all abt. i was so inspired during seletar race 500m when kelvin dropped his paddle, and though he was given hell of a yelling from coach, the team forgave him! pat his back, and asked him to cheer up! 19 rowers givving him a pat on the back! not blaming! but encouraging him! i was too moved! and that's what has pushed me to stay on! and i'm proud to be in the family of ngee ann dragon boat TEAM. not club, but TEAM. despite all the poking of fun at and the making fun... when we're rowing, its all team baby. and i'm proud! and i'm willing to give all. kudos to the team!
so anyway, i'm gonna try playing my guitar all over again! cause the nights are lifeless and msn is gonna explode.
haha so anyway. i woke up this morning to head down to change my ic, which was quite amusing! cause in bukit timah's prestigious neighbourhood police post, there's only one terminal.. one pathetic computer out of the rest of maybe 6 terminals that is able to change and reprint my new ic address. i give them a bow!
so it was off to meet timothy goh for some sort of a catching up session. talked abt church and stuff like that. i cant say much to that.. cause i mean, its very hard to make a stand when it comes to religion. or at least for me. on that day, i can say: yeah! i commit everything. but do i really make that leap to do so!? ok yeah, maybe i do still pray everyday night b4 i go to bed. but i know its not enough. but the driving force that compels me to continue to pray is something so supernatural. its like i know He's there! but yet, i dwell into sin.
so then i headed down to school, where i had the time of my life, laughing at how foc ran their camp! i mean.. i'm glad i didnt make the leap! after all that contemplating and stuff... i mean... i must say i'm so fortunate to stay in Sports camp. yeah maybe there was some screw ups here and there, but that was between the commitee... and like the main emphasis should be on the freshies... which foc did not really pay attention to. from what i've heard.. and to those reading this who might feel offended, esp if ur from Student Union - i think there should be a wake up call. look at it this way, i hear.. that by the 2nd night, 100+ freshies have booked out. ok maybe this is exaggerating, but if lets say we put the exaggeration to truth, there can be no more than 50 freshies that left. but that still is a GINORMOUS figure. i would be concerned. ok... so yeah.. maybe i'm bias towards sports camp and student sports council, but hell, who would like to be in the shoes of the CC or gl in foc - if a freshie comes up to u and say, hey, i'm gonna book out cause this is quite boring and its not to my expectation. my gosh, i would just die! so yeah, FOC was given such a huge amount of money to spend. did they spend it wisely!? yeah sure they did! but i guess the only decision gone wrong, was the number of people going! think abt it! 600 signed up. so even if they split them into 10 groups, there will be 60 per group. ok, give and take the possibility some dont show up, there will be 45 per group. and i'm having games. how the hell do u fit 45 freshies into a game that requires thinking, comments, sharing of ideas! its like 45 heads cramping together, to come up with 1 solution! and theres bound to be conflict! or rather! slowwwwwwwwww........ but thats that... cause from what i hear from my freshies... they arnt really having a ball of a time! haha besides that... i have to comment on how foc gls actually "control" their freshies. so anyway, i was walking ard, and a group walked pass, and to my amazement, bobbie was there and so were a few or rather a lot of sc ppl there... so i pulled them out so i could talk... so b4 30seconds was up.. fiona.. the gl.. game walking towards our group... getting ready to put up a fight... ok.. yeah maybe it was wrong for me to invade into their path to their destination. but shit man! they are 17 years old! any one at that age, who is sane, would have the brains to run back to the group after our short conversation! its not like i'll be as dumb to sit them down to have a cup of coffee.. its the conflict between sc and su i tell u! but anyway.. i just laugh it off and think, its ridiculous. so... besides that........... to those who might be offended... well... i'm pretty straight forward i guess =). true friends do stab you by the front! and i think i did exactly that. so if u really feel i need to be more constructive. leave a tag or a comment. ill right another post. oh yeah, feel free to talk abt sports camp too on this blog too... i mean, i'm open to all suggestions. and u might ask why...? cause maybe.. just maybe.... ill take ur comments positively.. and i probably would.
so it was training today which was so great. the fact that i didnt gym for a week cause of sc.. made me treasure todays training so much =)
mom's still giving me the cold treatment.. and itll last a long time.. cause i've still not changed. i;m still coming back late... i'm still not with the family. do i feel guilty? yeah i do! do i feel that i should? yeah i do! then why do i still stay out and treat the home just like a sleeping ground and nothing else!? because its the holidays! and because ive spent the rest of my life at home anyway!. so maybe i dont appreciate the stuff home has to offer. and well yeah i can be blamed for that. but dont go telling me i'm at fault to say that this family is a family! cause it aint! its crumbling and i know so. cause the 2 person i should be looking up to, mom and dad, are disfunctional! and i'm glad, throughout my life, through 18 years of it.. i can now really rationalize what is a stable and happy family, and the other. to say that this family is happy, is wrong! to say its sad, yeah most definately. do i feel sad.? more angry than sad. and i thank God so much, i dont show it as much as i should! i still put up my happy face=). and i know.. i'm happy without the troubles in my life.
so yeah! maybe this is my 1st post since ,maybe 2 bloody years ago.. but anyway.. kudos to today! sentosa with the gls and shit... its damn nice to have all the gls have fun together.. not that i really do enjoy their company as a whole.. but i mean, i feel much closer to those who i can relate more to for example, the CCs and CGLs and maybe a few bits of the gls. but the rest... i jsut cant clique with... i'm a very choosy person. so anyway, i had fun chilling out with all of em. kayaking, playing the guitar, and just talking throughout the day.. it was super fulfilling. and damn, i loved it. if only i had the pics, ill post them out.
anyway, i'm quite sad that sports camp has actually come to a stop. i mean, shit i miss the good times with the cgls and our discussions and all that. honestly, its not like i felt we put in alot of hard quality work into what we planned... but hell the company was so exquisite, i'd never trade anything for that. hands down to gerard, who stood by me and as a true friend, stabbed me by the front and never the back. eileen, never failing to be a victim of my insults. kan, a joker at heart. chinny, for being another cock talker! there's so much for me to say abt them, but it just would be ever ending! cause words cant discribe what a bond we had! as pussy as i might be, i could almost feel tears rolling down my eyes after the last night of camp. should i go back and reflect on the days we actually spent together, it was timeless! i could not ask for more! and now that it has ended, how i wished it never stopped!
so here i sit, being emo and all that shit. in my boxers, i realized and reflect, my life aint that perfect afterall.. i realize ive been so selfish all this while only wanting to do what i do. or rather, i shift my priorities everywhere till its all messed up. its like i dont really see my family at my top 3 priorties in my life! its like wtf! and even God! ive backslided! it seems its 1. dragonboat, 2. skate, 3. studies. and when i have the time, family and friends and God come in!. but its like how do i control myself, when already i';ve commited so much of myself into the top 3. yeah maybe skate canbe put down... but how!? ive been doing it for too long! and i love it!.. it's really retarded!
with all that.. i'm having problems at home! mom's having a hard time.. and hence i'm having a hard time! fuck that. its like my whole world has changed!. who do i blame? yeah the most cliche of answers would be me. but if i were to be honest with myself, it had to be my bastard father! but its like, i need him too right!? its one of those situations where one comment keeps contradiciting another, and it keeps going on and on till u become confused. so well, now i understand why kids in disfunctional families are so disfunctional!?. they are poisoned by comments by different parties that its so hard to articulate correctly which is the right answer beyond reasonable doubt. as for me, to say that i'm not confused, is a lie, and i'd be a hypocrite. honestly, fark, yeah, i'm confused as hell!. am i sad. fark yes! i'm sad ! angry!? oh dont get me started! and its like, the only time i'm happy, is when i escape these problems and focus on rowing for ngee ann and skating! and studying and friends! and that's why my mom is blowing up at me! cause i dont spend time with the family! how in the world do i put up a facade where i know deep inside nothing's alright!? how!? i know myself! i'm straight to the bloody point! if i'm not happy! i'll say it! and i'm almost 80% certain of that!
i know anytime soon, i'm gonna break down! and ppl do try to talk to me! but what is there to talk!? i'm just sick of saying the story over again! over and over and over and over bloody again! such that i've been put into a pathetic situation such as this to blog it out so to release my angst.
